She leaves his apartment.
That’s the whole plot!
Two attractive, white twentysomethings who toy with the idea of dating but ultimately suffer from misaligned sexual preferences.
Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan in ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’.Credit: Chuck Zlotnick/Universal
The truth is, it’s nota bad movie.
Why wouldn’t they send another reporter from the newspaper?
Or reschedule the interview?
Or do it on the phone?
She drives her roommate’s car to Seattle to see Christian.
She has a blue car.
We see it in the opening scene when she’s leaving campus to go back to her apartment.
Ana drives her blue car to Christian’s office later in the movie.
I cannot figure out why Ana would not drive her own car.
Are Ana and her roommate… intimate?
I lived with a roommate in New York for two years.
She and I are good friends, and we have been friends since college.
I have never once kissed her on the head.
I don’t think I have ever kissed someone on the head who is not a romantic partner.
It is an intimate gesture, like picking lint off someone’s suit jacket.
And she applies lipgloss directly to Ana’s lips while the two are getting ready.
And now I ask you: why do you think Ana is still a virgin at 22?
She’s not religious, and she has an active social life with her friends.
How does Christian only hire beautiful, willowy women to work for him?
Christian Grey is a tech billionaire, running what we’re told is a very successful company.
And yet every single person we see in his employ is a stick-thin, gorgeous woman in porn-high heels.
How is that not a red flag?
Does he ask for photographs with resumes?
Anastasia evengetsthe whole vibe and Christian doesn’t correct her.
When he offers her an internship (creepy), Ana replies that she wouldn’t fit in there.
He’s not like, “What do you mean?
We hire interns based on their resumes and intelligence and you seem very on the ball” or whatever.
Danny Elfman did the music for this movie?!
This is a question I asked out loud as the opening credits came across the screen.
Doesnt Anastasia need ID to get into the building?
Why is Anastasiarudeto her source?
She asks about his incredible success, and then goes, “Maybe you’re just lucky.”
Excuse me, Ana.
“Maybe you’re just lucky”?
How did her roommate have trouble clearing a photo?
How are there no photos available of a famous billionaire?
What does this school paper normally use?
There arenumerousarchives and photo services like Getty for this very purpose.
Christian is sending… very mixed messages, right?
During their first interview, Christian is extremely flirty, and he asks Anastasia out for coffee.
Ending the date atthat very momentis the most drama-queen behavior I have ever seen.
He tells her that he’s bad for her and they shouldn’t date.
Okay, a little harsh, but fine.
And then he sends her a very expensive gift: the first edition of her favorite book.
This is a romantic gift!
It’s a gift for someone you’ve been dating for years.
He is literallyThe Bachelor,a show that is all about pretending to be romantic.
So get your story straight, Christian: do you do romance or don’t you?
Does he know what that word means?
Why didnt Anastasia change before their date?
And Christianalsosends his driver to get more clothes for her since she vomited on her outfit from last night.
A few questions here: first, the undressingyeesh, right?
But also, did the driver go pick up clothes Ana already owns from her house?
How would he know where Anastasia lives?
Did you have your college dorm onyourdriver’s license?
How did Christian’s driver get into her house?
Did Christian make his driver examine the labels on the insides of a strange girl’s vomit-encrusted clothes?
She had a disgusting, vomit-y drunken night!
Or did she shower and get back in the clothes a random stranger pulled for her?
Why would she do that?
How is she comfortable waking up and cooking in his home?
How is she comfortable enough to do this?
That’s incredible, sociopathic confidence.
How does Christian sell her car?
A car is a major purchase and piece of property.
How do you sell someone’s car without their knowledge?!
Did Christian steal the keys?
Cars have titles, registration, and ownership.
No reputable dealer will accept aclearly stolencar from a middle-aged man claiming to be a 22-year-old named Anastasia Steele.
Did Christian clean out her personal belongings?
Didn’t she have things in her carCDs?
But she should have been freaking out because stealing her car is literally insane.
…Does BDSM not exist in this universe?
For a movie ostensibly all about BDSM,Fifty Shades of Greyis shockingly prudish.
It’s like, a category on porn sites.
You know howThe Walking Deadexists in a universe where zombies don’t exist as a cultural touchstone?
I have to imagine that the same is true forFifty Shades of Greyand BDSM.
Why else do they treat getting turned on by domination and submission as an outrageously deviant burden?
It’s not like Christian Grey is a werewolf.
But… people are turned on by submission too.
A lot of people.
If it doesn’t turn Anastasia on, she shouldn’t do it.
BDSM isn’t a sacrifice that she should be making for free cars.
At one point she literally asks, “What do I get out of it?”
And Christian Grey goes, “Me.”
That is not the correct answer at all!
Sex shouldn’t be a thing she has toendurein order to spend time with him.
He shouldn’t be blackmailing her with their relationship to get to whip her.
But that’s what he does!
And it’s very weird!
He tells her he is going to spank her with a flogger six times.
He spanks her with a flogger six times.
This is what turns you on???
Hurting me???
Seeing me like this!?!?!?"
And it’s like…. That’s what BDSM is.
Youaskedhim to do that.
Obviously you and Christian have completely incompatible sexual preferences in this bizarro vanilla universe.
How does Christian always know where she is?
The second is at the bar, where she drunk-dialed him.
The third is mother-effing Georgia, where she’s visiting her mother.
Ethics of his stalking aside, I see a more sinister underlying subtext: digital surveillance.
It’s incredibly vague what Christian’s company does.
