Why doesn’t anyone in this office have a computer?
Well, I’ve done it.
(What is the point of this wealth-porn if we cannot vicariously plan a lavish wedding celebration?
Credit: Doane Gregory/Universal Pictures
In a haphazard third act, Hyde kidnaps Christian’s sister and forces Ana to bring ransom.
Ana briefly becomes Jason Bourne, and Hyde is defeated.
WithFifty Shades Freed, we are the ones who have all been freed.
(Dakota Johnson presumably popped the champagne.)
“You own this?”
Ana asks, incredulous.
“Weown this,” Christian magnanimously corrects her.
But… how does that surprise Ana at all?
In the last movie, Christian mentionedbuying an airline.An AIRLINE!
More than a single plane!
He has brought her on planes before, not to mention a personal helicopter emblazoned with the Grey logo.
They kept Danny Elfman around, huh?
He has done the music for all three of these movies!
Good on you, Danny Elfman!
How does Christian think a charm bracelet is a good gift?
How does Jack Hyde have the sophisticated hacking know-how to break into a tech company?
Jack Hyde was a fiction editor at an independent press in Seattle.
Grey Industries is atechnologycompany.
And presumably, they have a basic security setup.
I’m a writer; I don’t know these things.
Do we seriously not get any male nudity in this trilogy?
How did Anastasia get promoted while she was on her honeymoon?
Literally, how is this office run?
We haven’t seen Anastasia doanythingto merit a promotion.
and now she returns from a months-long vacation to find out her title is even more prestigious?
Why is Purgatory the first book in the Inferno series?
We see from its cover that it is the first in a trilogy.
Why is he starting in the middle?
What are these books?
By which internal system is he operating?
And why is Anasoobsessed with Dante’sInferno?
Is it the only book she’s ever read?
In the previous movie, she keeps suggesting this one manuscript that she says has great parallels toInferno.
It feels kind of weird that she keeps bringing it up.
Why doesnt anyone in this office have a computer?
If Christian is so jealous, why would he hire her such a hot bodyguard?
What is Christian doing in Africa?
That pickup line should be in books.
It should be taught in comedy classes around the country.
How is Ana such a good driver?
As they’re driving away from someone on their tail, Ana goes full 007 in an Audi.
I realize that this is a movie but… again, how?
How does she know how to pull these insane, stunt-driver style maneuvers?
I thought she was supposed to be a virginal audience stand-in.
Why would anyone ever propose in a club?
But whyand howwould anyone ever propose in a club?!
Did heshoutit over the music?
Because there is music in this clubthey dance about five minutes after she accepts.
But proposing in a club just seems logistically difficult and alsoterrible.
Why is Jack Hydes biographical information the best the investigators could do?
That was the result of their exhaustive investigation.
That’s all stuff you could find on a quick Google search.
It’s probably on his public LinkedIn page.
Why does Christian pretend no one would believe Ana if she told the police about Jack?
And Christian acts like the court will believe him: “It’s his word against yours.”
Hebrokeinto their apartment carrying a knife, and he was only subdued by two security guards.
He hacked into Grey Industries and was caught on tape.
He not only sexually assaulted Ana at the office but assaulted all of his previous assistants as well.
There is an airtight case against this guy, and he has committed a heck-ton of crimes.
How does Ana get ready in 20 minutes?
Of course, her hair was damp in the car, so that last part raises even more questions.
Why doesnt Ana call the police on Jack Hyde when he kidnaps Mia?
How does that not trigger an automatic police visit?
Wouldn’t it be obvious that this insanely jittery, crying woman is in some sort of hostage situation?
Are there no panic buttons in this bank?
And do banks even have five million dollars in cash just sitting around?
How strong is Ana?
Ana carries the $5 million in cash in a leather satchel.
Let’s assume she was given the money in hundreds, not twenties.
One hundred ten pounds, and Ana acts like it’snothing.Girl is ripped.
Who paid Jacks $500,000 bail?
What is Ana increasing the font size on?
Um, quick question: What does that mean?
What exactly is she increasing the font size of by two points?
And is the person using the drafting board doing this by hand?
She’s doing internal design on books now, just as an afterthought, after a company-wide meeting?
What is Ana’s job!?!
AND WHAT ARE “TWO POINTS” IF NO ONE IS USING A COMPUTER?
NOTHING MAKES ANY SENSE.
hey excuse me, I will be scream-crying into the ocean for the rest of the week.
