Im almost afraid to let myself believe it, rose lovers.
And you, dear readers, will get a much-deserved respite from Mike Fleiss House of Pain as well.
God is good, folks!
Credit: ABC
After rolling the Embarrassing Flashbacks reel, Harrison quickly directs the conversation towards Kalon and Lindzi.
Where do you guys stand now?
But Erica Rose is not having it.
Ive seen Kalon around town at different events with different women, she warns Lindzi.
Be careful, thats it.
Mr. Stagliano, wont you c’mon take your place in the hot seat?
I thought it was a summer camp relationship, he tells Harrison.
She was falling in love, and I just wasnt.
I think it was bulls.
(Ive got to be honest, Jaclyn has grown on me a little bit.
I need this season to end,now.)
I really didnt think she was capable of screwing me over like that, she says.
Its one of those, forgive and never forget.
After Harrison listens to her rant, he sums Jaclyns attitude up in one word: Bitter!
I think youre very socially awkward, she tells Jamie.
And I think you dont know how to communicate with girls.
Eventually, Harrison brings the discussion back to Blakeley and her burgeoning relationship with Tony.
He makes me laugh, he makes me smile, he makes me a better person, she gushes.
And I absolutely love him for that.
Oh Jesus, Tony, why are you getting up and standing in front of the group with Blakeley?
Dont you DARE drop down to one knee…
Were moving in together!
And he has cable!
And she LOVES it.
(This doomed engagement brought to you byNeil Lane, purveyor of fine diamonds and emotional atrocities.)
At long last, its time for the final two couples to make their way to the stage.
You were so into me, she tells Stag.
All of America saw it…
It confused me, because I thought we were on the same page.
What is your damage??
False declarations of feelings and emotions werent needed, and they were just plain mean.
And Stag isnt helping his case by getting defensive about his behavior.
As soon as you called me and said, Can you come talk in my hotel?
Thats exactly why I drove out there I wanted to be honest right away.
I didnt want to lead her on.
So, why exactly did he spend the night in the hotel and cuddle with her all morning?
The audiences silent disapproval blankets the proceedings and then Rachel drops the real bombshell.
Oh, the humanity!
NEXT: Dont vote for me.
[My dad] said, Thats not the way I raised you….
The game, it got a hold of me.
What do you think rose lovers?
Is this a sincere apology or just a last-minute Hail Mary for votes?
Eventually, its time for the jury to question the final two couples.
Short answer: Because shes a wuss.
It kills me that she isnt sitting up here next to me, says Rachel weepily about her BFF.
I still feel horrible about it.
Not feeling horrible for his amoral actions?
Its a game, he drones.
I came here to win.
Blakeley cant believe what shes hearing.
Do you think hes really going to share the money,ifhe were to get the votes?
she asks Sarah, her voice dripping with disdain.
Eventually, though, all of this henpecking wears Chris down.
She did nothing wrong.
She played the game, she made it to the end, she deserves to win.
Oh, how selfless!
(Except for the part about you almost definitely getting half if Sarah wins.)
And the polls are open!
Chris and Sarah manage to pull votes from Kalon, Dave the super fan, and Erica Rose.
), Donna, Tony, and (shocker!)
See ya,Padpariahs!
Stag disagrees: Having an alliance and sticking to it that is the name of this game!
NEXT: Im a schmuck with $250,000.
Is it, though?
Rachel, honey, why dont you go first.
But… you cant win without a partner.
Thats one vote for SHARE!
The crowd claps approvingly.
Okay, Nick, its go time.
Like the first two winners before you, theres no doubt youll vote SHARE too, right?
Nobody… ever would have put their money on me to be here and win this, Nick begins.
I was on nobodys radar.
Nobody was on my team, and I did this all myself.
Hmmm… Im starting to think that Nick doesnt believe Rachel helped him win.
Rachel never wanted to be my partner, he continues.
The audience begins murmuring, as the camera zooms in on Rachelswhat-the-hell-is-happening-right-nowexpression.
Rachel tries to disagree, but Nicks too worked up into a frenzy of action-justifying indignation to care.
He flips his placard over angrily and pulls out the card revealing his vote: KEEP, BITCH!
Wow, folks, way to kick a lady while shes down.
Are you [bleeping] kidding me?
I brought you here!
Youre here because of me!…
Youre a disgusting human being.
How many of you guys went into this and said, I cant wait to win $125,000?
he asks the Padmates, pacing in front of them like a lawyer delivering a closing argument.
Everyone of you were here to win $250,000.
Thats what I was here to win, and thats what I won.
Well, the mans got a point.
He is, in his own words, a schmuck with $250,000.
Why are you so mean all of a sudden?
Jaclyn shouts at Nick, who remains totally unfazed by the weeping blonde woman next to him.
This is the end of the game, he replies blithely.
And to make matters worse, the crowd cant stop cheering over Rachels misfortune.
Can I ask why?
she whines, only to be answered by a lone voice calling out, We love you Rachel!
Obviously not, though.
NEXT: What did I do?
Are you [bleeping] kidding me?
Are you [bleeping] kidding me?
What is wrong with you?
What did I do?
is definitely the quote of the night.
If it wasnt the best move, he continues, why did everybody applaud?
None of us should be that shocked that you lied.
And when he does, its nice, like, Hey man, how you doin?
And then he just goes and does a bunch of push-ups.
Well, rose lovers, its over.
And you know what?
Enjoy your cash, sir!
(Who am I kidding?
Itll be Sean.)
Until then, stay true to your alliances, folks.
Theyre all we have in this world.
MoreBachelor Padfrom EW:
Chris HarrisonsBachelor Padseason finale blog
