Read an excerpt from A Star Is Bored, by Byron Lane.
A Star Is Boredisn’t a memoir, exactly.
(You get the idea.)
Credit: Henry Holt
Her eyes widen and her lips part and she says, Hello, Im Kathi Kannon fromJaws 3.
Shes wearing no makeup, no pomp or circumstance, no fucks to give.
You answer your own door?
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I blurt, a mix of surprise and enchantment as my eyes adjust to her.
Yeah, she says.
We had a butler, but he died in the pantry a few years ago.
Im a big fan.
She grabs the door as if ready to slam it on me.
Im here for the personal-assistant job, I say.
Excitement drains from my limbs.
Ah, this is why I was granted such quick entry; she expected someone else.
Im not who she wants, of course.
Cue my shame, horror, foolishness.
Except I notice Kathi Kannon beginning to smile.
Acting, she says smugly, raising her eyebrows, proud of herself.
Wow, I say, speechless, entranced.
She turns casually and walks into the wonderland that is her home, motioning for me to follow.
c’mon wipe your feet, she says.
The floors are made of endangered trees.
Her smoking with Bruce Willis.
Her Lady-and- the-Tramp-ing a hot dog with Tom Hanks.
Miss Kannon, I say, trying to exhale away my encroaching stress-related neck pain.
And I can do that for you, help you with your writing and whatnot, if you want.
She coughs, looks away, then back at me.
I pause for her praise.
She stops in front of a fountain at the center of the patio.
I made this one night when I was bored, she says.
I smashed a bunch of plates and incorporated the broken pieces into cement as a fountain.
The water trickles, trickles, trickles.
Its very interesting, I say.
Like, life is garbage?
I ask, instantly exposed.
Ive let my guard down and perhaps spoken too much truth again, revealed too much about me.
Kathi stares at me.
Right, right, I say, blushing, sweating, back to being underdog.
Kathi turns slowly and starts to walk away.
I can tell shes thinking hardmaybe about me.
I cringe but manage, Sure.
Are you gay, married, impotent?
Did your parents love you?
When did you lose your virginity?
Do you ever want to harm yourself or others?
Do you have any fake limbs?
Answer in any order you like.
Are you at least open to having a fake limb?
I hold my breath, then blurt, Yes?
How old are you?
I think its definitely illegal to ask that, I say playfully.
Well, Kathi says.
Excerpted fromA Star Is Bored, by Byron Lane.
To be published by Henry Holt.
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