Thrones takes on love, lust, and matrimonial duty in the show’s most romance-focused episode ever.
Ygritte and Jon are in love.
And Robb, oh, Robb definitely loves Talisa.
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Heloves her butt so much.
Heck, even bony warg Orell is in love.
Finally Robb says, “We should all get some sleep.”
Later, they snuggle.
We also get Talisa butt and sexy Talisa toe-flexing.
Lot of tush this season.
[Note to self: Pitch EW.com onGame of ThronesButt-Shot Gallerya million page views for sure!].
Takes a beat.Whaaaaa?She’s pregnant!
He’s ecstatic and surprised.
Unsure why he’s shocked given the extent of their lovemaking (perhaps Robb had been using protection?
Talisa says: “I have your little prince or princess inside me.”
Well, they better make some room because here comes Robb again!
She mocks his Southie stiff demeanor and his marching armies, drums, and roads.
But then she sees a windmill and loses her mind like she just stumbled onto the Great Pyramid.
She also doesn’t know what the words “swoon” or fainting" mean.
Meanwhile, the other Wildings have taken an interest in their coupling.
Giantsbane gives sex tips (“slick as a baby seal,” check).
But Orell the Bitter Warg is jealous and wants Ygritte for himself and warns her about Jon.
Uh, what’s that?
I think she knows.
In fact, he reveals the Wildlings have invaded south of the wallsix timesbefore and have never won.
This is a double newsflash to Ygritte.
Apparently, the Wildlings aren’t taught their own history.
So Ygritte is like Morpheus and believes Mance is like Neo, The One who can bring about revolution.
Ergo, they’ll die if they attack The Wall.
But then Jon will die too, because he’s with them.
“You’re mine and I’m yours,” Ygritte says.
“And if we die, we die.
But first we’ll live.”
NEXT: Sansa convinces us she’s stupid
King’s Landing.
Sansa is convinced she’s stupid.
“I’m stupid … stupid little girl with stupid dreams who never learns.”
We thinkand so does Margaerythat Sansa is being too hard on herself.
Margaery tries to make her feel better about being engaged to Tyrion.
Look at the bright side!
He’s handsome and nice and powerful and “far from the worst Lannister.”
Perhaps “awkwardness” is the wrong word.
Nobody can feel awkward around Margaery.
She’s so sunny and accepting.
Margaery points out how powerful Sansa and Tyrion’s son will be.
Sansa gags: “I’ll have to … we’ll have to…” Okay.
Sansamightbe totally stupid after all.
She’s just now realizing she’ll have to have sex with her husband?
How is that not zipping through your brain within seconds of learning this news?
“We’re complicated, you know, pleasing us takes practice.”
“How do you know all this?”
Sansa asks, confused.
“Did your mother teach you?”
At this point, we decideand so does Margaerythat Sansa is pretty stupid after all.
“Yes, sweet girl, my mother taught me.”
Also: I totally want HBO to greenlight theGame of Thronesreality series spin-offKing’s Landing After Dark.
Elsewhere: Tyrion is grousing about marrying Sansa to Bronn.
Only protests are less convincing.
Bronn doesn’t see the problem.
Then again, Bronnneversees problems.
That’s what we like about Bronn.
His house sigil should be The Shrugging Man.
It also helps explain why Tyrion enjoys his company so much.
Tyrion sees all the angles, all the plots, and Bronn helps balance him out.
“You’ll have two women and a whole kingdom,” Bronn says.
“Two women to despise me and a whole kingdom to join them,” Tyrion counters doubtfully.
Somehow I suspect Bronn will outlive Tyrion.
Later, Tyrion meets with his mistress, Shae.
Except Shae the Funny Whore has become Shae the Bitter Entitled Whore.
She hates the solid-gold necklace he gave her.
And what’s she supposed to do with it, anyway?
She can’t wear something that extravagant in public.
“I’m your whore.
And when you’re tired of fking me, I will be nothing.”
And she has a point.
He wouldn’t have to work as a juggler.
Tyion has chosen the oppositeduty to his family over Shae.
And Jon, well, we’re not quite sure what he’s going to do yet.
NEXT: For once, Joffrey is right
Joffrey has summoned him.
He’s sitting on the Iron Throne, chilling in the massive ceremonial room all by himself.
This could be considered a call-back to the awesome Small Council chair-game from earlier this season.
Joffrey is showing Tywin:I’ve got the most important chair of all.
Joffrey is irritated he’s not being kept informed of Small Council business.
Tywin walks up to Joffrey so he can tower over his turd of a grandkid.
Joffrey shrinks into his throne.
Bristling with barely contained impatience, Tywin explains that he’s more productive working from home.
And if Joff wants to go the meetings, “We could arrange to have you carried.”
Tywin doesn’t add:If you’re going to be a total psy about it.
Joff then asks aboutDany and her dragons!
Why, Dany might be part of the rest of this show after all.
“Curiosities on the far side of the world are no threat to us,” Tywin says.
“I should be consulted about such things,” Joffrey whines.
What’s great about this scene: We all love-to-hate Joffrey right?
And we all agree Tywin is a scary-brilliant badass tactician, right?
Yet Joffrey isright about everything!
As the king, he should be kept informed.
And Danycouldbe a serious threat.
For once, Joffrey is correct, yet Tywin still whipped him.
Outside Yunkai: Ser Jorah and Dany gaze down at distant metropolis.
Yunkai, he intones, the Yellow City, a wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Weak soldiers, strong wallsthey can outlast a siege.
But Dany is undeterred.
She has a purpose now.
Yunkai has 200,000 slaves so that’s “200,000 reasons to take the city.”
This isn’t just altruism.
She could potentially add those freed slaves to her own army like she did with the Unsullied.
An emissary of the city approaches.
He’s rocking some guyliner and rides to the beat of his own drummer.
You know you’re a success when you have somebody following you to play your own theme music.
That’s right, Ygritte, I fking swoon.
There’s just something about this moment that sent me into aThroneshigh.
But it’s also this season in general.
I’m calling it right now, midway through Episode 7.
It’s the best one.
The emissary enters Dany’s tent.
I’m shocked we’re getting a shot with all three semi-grown dragons.
Every dragon means CGI money.
Because this is something we want to see: Dany on her throne flanked by her dragons and advisers.
Instead of a stiff ceremonial chair she has an Oprah-like couch.
Except instead of giving away cars, Dany’s favorite things are freed slaves and death by dragonfire.
In Astapor we saw Dany act like a ruler.
This is the first time we’ve seen Dany looking like a queen.
The emissary actually slips one in a good one too: “The Silver Queen.”
The emissary’s nervous.
He offers her a chest full of gold and a fleet of ships just to leave their city alone.
That’s a great offer.
She could take it and get to Westeros, maybe in time for the season finale.
Notice that her advisers don’t say a word this time.
They’ve learned their lesson.
Dany counters that she will spare his life if his city releases every slave with restitution and supplies.
“Reject this gift and I shall show you no mercy.”
Oh, and she keeps his gold anyway.
Bewildered Theon knows this is a trap.
He knows The Boy told them to do this.
The scene reminds me of Jonathan Harker being tempted by Dracula’s undead vixens.
“Let us see it,” the girls say.
“Everybody talks about it.
The scene is erotic and tense.
The Boy interrupts, as we knew he would.
Theon screams and, thankfully, the scene fades away.
Harrenhal: Jaime has an uncomfortable goodbye with Brienne.
It doesn’t feel right to leave her behind, but he seemingly has no choice.
She says if he keeps his promise to return the Stark girls, she’ll consider his debt paid.
Jaime swears he’ll do it.
Some people just want to watch the world burn, etc.
Jaime decides to go back for Brienne and manipulates Bolton’s guard to return him to Harrenhal.
So Jaime does something unspeakably dangerous and romantic: He jumps into the bear pit with her.
Nowthere’sa metaphor for love.
He’s unarmed (literally!)
except for his value to Bolton’s men charged with returning him to his father.
Jaime won’t come out until Bolton’s men pull Brienne safely out of the pit.
Then he scrambles up after her in a nick of time.
Must say: Great acting from the bear.
He’s angry and mauls Brienne and swipes the ground and roars and beats on the wall.
three-eyed raven, and Melisandre revealed to Gendry he’s Robert Baratheon’s bastard.
So as The Boy might say, I made “a few alterations” to my usual format.
Best Scene: I loved Dany’s negotiation with the Yunkai emissary the most.
Best Line: “You’re mine and I’m yours.
And if we die, we die.
But first, we’ll live.”
You know this is going to be solemnly quoted atThronesfans' weddings for years to come.
Until next Sunday, I think we’re okay.
The story is going well.
BecauseThronesisn’t the key in of show that would break our hearts.
You love us too much for thatThrones.
