Who better than Homer to deliver your quarantine commencement speech?
The world is in crisis, beset by challenges heretofore unseen.
Ones that are testing spirits and reserves.
Credit: Julius Preite. The Simpsons™ and © 2020 Fox. All Rights Reserved
Ones that will not allow you to attend concerts, sporting events, family reunions, and graduation ceremonies.
Greetings, class of 2020.
We are facing a difficult time.
Im looking at you, Madeleine Albright.
Theyre just going to tell you to follow your dreams.
Of course they will theyre a success.
Theyre the one-in-a-million person for whom following their dreams works.
Im here to give you the most important thing of all: life advice.
1: If theyre towing your car, get in.
Then it becomes kidnapping.
2: You get drunker on rum and Diet Coke than on rum and Coke.
3: This speech is appearing in a magazine calledEntertainment Weekly, which comes out monthly.
4: This speech is supposed to be 500 words.
Only agree to 250 words.
Five hundred is way too many.
Way, way too many.
5: Carpe diem.
I think it means fish for a dime.
And what is board anyway?
And remember, you are leaving college, but they are not leaving you.
They will come after you the rest of your life for money.
And take comfort in this: If youre not invited to a graduation party over Zoom, big deal.
Im trapped in a house with my three kids.
And since Flanders is more than six feet away, I cant spray him with the hose anymore.
Ive got a high-pressure nozzle coming on Thursday.
They say nuclear power is an essential industry, which is why Im not allowed in the nuclear plant.
Nobody dissects frogs, nobody talks about Beowulf.
Thats what life is like as an adult.
On behalf of my generation, I would like to apologize for the state of the world.
But that can was sure fun to kick all the way down the road.
Now its your turn.
The world may be bad, but you could still make it a little worse.
On the plus side, lines at Six Flags over Springfield are super short now.
Going to church is against the law.
And I havent stopped at a red light for eight weeks.
God bless you and amen.
