last nights episode ofJersey Shore.
The episode began on an unusually somber note.
Poor old Sitch was suddenly facing his own mortality.
I got a neckbrace on for ten days, moaned Mike.
He looked to his housemates for sympathy.
Who cares about you, old man!
When Sitch wasnt looking, Pauly D and Vin-Vin snuck into his room and played with his neckbrace.
Looka me, they giggled, Im The Situation!
Im-a gonna die soon!
He was falling asleep sitting up, because it hurt too much to lie down.
Just like the Elephant Man, except you didnt have to feel bad about laughing.
I cant do anything without, like, being helped, Sitch cried.
To cheer himself up, he decided to wear green sex-pants.
But there were no ladies around for to have sex with thereupon.
Whitherthe twins of yesteryear?
Whither the grenades of yore?
Our Ronnie has anointed himself the crisis counselor of this Italian season.
Maybe because he has so much experience with crises.
Maybe because hes discovered religion, and it burns!
For whatever reason, Ronnie told Sitch: Im here for you.
Imagine, discovering your first true friend, so late in your life!
Uncle Sitch thanked Ronnie profusely.
He was out of his funk.
He removed the neck-brace.
The Situation would rise again.
From now on, Sitch said proudly, I know not to bang my head into a wall anymore.
And to think, we were so worried this show wasnt teaching our kids any helpful life lessons!
You might have thought that, after his brush with mortality, we would have met a kinder Situation.
NEXT: Question: Oh, Magic 8-Ball, Will The Situation apologize?
What storylines were invented by the producers?
Which of the housemates are just actors?
By the way,Opium and Coolidgeis the name of my upcoming percussion-and-spoken-word concept album.
Everything is a lie.
At least some reality shows are entertaining lies.
And in the end, isnt that the real truth?
(The answer is no.)
Far more important to ask Is it entertaining?
And if so, why?
I have to stress that this is just one of my three theories.
Try saying Sitch Smush Shnookums five times really fast.
People will think youre from Finland, and youll be so popular!)
But lets say, for arguments sake, that they actuallydidhook up.
The problem is, Snooki figured Sitch wouldnt say anything.
And now Snooki knows the secret is out.
So she needs, more than anything, for The Situation to apologizeon the record.
Thats why she keeps on talking to him, even though she positively squirms during every interaction.
She has to get him to recanton camera.
It doesnt matter what actually happened; it only matters what it says in the record books.
But in this metaphor, Sitch is that horrible key witness who refuses to break.
He vaguely apologized for saying anything, but didnt admit that he was wrong.
Maybe I shoulda said something to Pauly, he dithered, I needed some advice!
Snooki stepped away, defeated again.
Well, not a couple months ago.
So, once again, the answer is: Sitch is the most evil man alive.)
NEXT: You wouldnt like Jionni when hes angry.
Or even when hes not angry.
Shes a fun time.
And hey, maybe youve kind of got an Oompa-Loompa fetish.
Its the 23rd century, or whatever.
The point is: Jagar bombs!
But then you hear the kicker.
Her job forces her to utterly abandon her dignity.
She is surrounded by people who are constantly prodding her to become her worst self.
Basically, your new girlfriend lives in a bubble doubly defined by the Heisenberg Principle and Murphys Law.
But make no mistake: Thats exactly how Jionni is coming off, at least to theShorehousemates.
Ronnie overheard Snooki on the phone to her boy.
She was being flirty.
Jionni: Youre so stupid!
Snooki: Im trying to change!
This struck Ron-Ron as bad-bad.
So Ronnie found a nearby phone booth and transformed into Captain Life Coach.
Dont change yourself for someone, he told Lil Shnookums.
Take it from me.
When Snooki called Jionni again, her boy-toy was even more uptight.
Youre bombed right now!
Ronnie tried to swoop in and save the day.
He picked up the phone.
Im Captain Life Coach.
Well, worry not, citizen!
Your girlfriend is madly in love with you.
And Im keeping a good eye on her.
Jionni responded: F you, you fing f. Put Nicole back on the phone.
Argh, said Captain Life Coach, How did you know?
My only weakness: being challenged!
Now, I can admire Nicoles housemates for their honorable intentions.
They want Nicole to be happy.
They dont want her to feel like she has to change.
But surely they could have come up with a subtle maneuver?
Like, start laying some hints?
Instead, J-Woww basically just walked into Snookis room and said: Everyone hates Jionni.
You should leave him.
Hey, at least she didnt write a note, right?
Snooki formulated a spiritualist-hedonist response: God likes my ts.
God made my ts.
Actually, if you think about it, God is kind of a hippie,maaaaaaan.
J-Woww, in response to Snookis God made my ts line, said God didnt make mine.
Yeesh, Jenni, quit shoving your secular humanism down our throats.
Have we ever seen Pauly Ds hair without gel?
We did last night.
Both moments were knowingly deconstructive meta-self-parodies that seemed to suggest multiple levels of reality co-existing at once.
Amelie Gillette ofthe AV Clubdescribed theCurbscene as Larry David playing Larry David playing George Costanza, a.k.a.
Here is Sammi talking to Ron at the start of the episode: You did me fing dirty.
Here is Sammi at episodes end: Im gonna do this for the last and final time.
God, I hateTransformers.)
Viewers, do you think The Situation will ever learn to stop hitting his head against walls?
In the end, arent wealljust hitting our heads against walls?
Is Jionni a bad person?
Is Jionni a real name?
FromThe Bear, by William Motherfing Faulkner
