Thats not going to happen.
Instead, its time for those couples who lack chemistry you know who you are, Julia and Sheridan!
to face the figurative music.
Credit: ABC
This guy knows hes toast.
So, heres the crazy-dates lineup: Jamie and Ryan, Chris and Rudi, Julia and Brandon.
The next time I see you, I hope to see really strong, committed couples only.
ABC
I cant imagine this changing anything, she insists.
I feel like itll be good.
She was just being so flirty!
ABC
It just makes me sweat a little bit.
But guys… what are they wearing???
Ohhhh, theyre having a spa day!
ABC
I sure hope Ryan takes off his gold pimp medallion before getting a seaweed wrap or whatever.
Now for the main event: Julia and Brandon.
And some poor musician namedJoel Crousehas to help them.
ABC
Julia and Brandon giggle and flirt and write a song about their story.
Spoiler alert: Its not called Lying Liars Who Lie.
I want to end up with Brandon.
ABC
Something is not good, sighs Rudi.
Im feeling for Sheridan at the moment.
As she should be.
ABC
Whaddya need to know?
he asks Julia icily.
He knows the answer, but he wants to make her say it.
ABC
And Julia has the audacity to pout.
I dont know why youre being so mean about it, she whines.
YES YOU DO, you psycho hosebeast.
ABC
I dont think I can do this with you, whispers Julia through her fake tears.
I wish you the best with Brandon, says Sheridan sadly.
He pats Julia on the leg and gets up to leave.
ABC
Youre seriously just going to, like, walk away?
Fare thee well, hairy dude.
Normally, Id be wishing you luck onParadise… but not this year.
ABC
Its probably for the best.
And now its Savannahs turn to listen to some nonsense.
I trust him, she says.
ABC
I actually see longevity here.
Rose lovers, do I need to tell you that Savannahs misguided optimism does not last long?
I feel like youre 95 percent in this with me, he tells Savannah.
ABC
But theres a 5 percent thats mysterious that scares the s— outta me.
Somebody do a DNA test on this guy, because Im pretty sure hes 100 percent that douche-bag.
Dude just wants as much screen time as possible even if it means being an asshat on national television.
ABC
He follows Savannah into another room and tells her he wants to fix things between them.
Dude, you just told her you still have feelings for Julia.
Pick a goddamn side!
ABC
My choice is you, he says.
Im willing to make the decision now to work this out with you.
I am not going to be a second choice!
ABC
Savannah snaps at him.
I dont want to figure this out, Brandon.
This is done for me.
ABC
Fare thee well, Savannah.
Normally, Id be wishing you luck onParadise… but again, not this year.
Its probably for the best.
Im choosing to do this well and right with you, he says.
Im glad were going to move forward together.
Also gross: People who put their dirty-ass shoes on the furniture.
Were you people raised in a barn?
Dude, you might just eff right off.
Arrrgh, just when I thought Brandon couldnt get any more obnoxious, he tops himself yet again!
That morning, he and Julia join Ryan and Natascha in the Ranchs coffee nook.
Look at this asshats answer!!!
Brandon is a playa-playa, scoffs Natascha.
Its performance time, rose lovers!
Its cruel, its brutal, its calculating and I absolutely LOVE it.
Julia is, in a word, chagrined.
I dont really like this conversation, she snaps.
It feels super, um, you know, not good.
And that, dear Julia, was Nataschas intent.
You reap what you hoe, honey!
Matt and Rudi
Song: Tennessee Whiskey by Chris Stapleton
Judges verdict:Queen Toni likes it.
It was fantastic, I loved it but I wanted to be uncomfortable, says Ms. Braxton.
I wanted to be in my seat like, Okay, get a room!
But I thought you guys were fantastic.
And the judges can see it.
Sorry, Ms. Braxton, but Jamie doesnt do confidence.
Thats what Im talkin about!
I see a connection.
Mr. Grammer says that Chriss falsetto is special.
says every attention addict everywhere.)
I just felt that there was some tension.
Hey Sheridan, any thoughts youd like to add?
Your voice is unbelievable, my dear, says Mr. Grammer.
I was really impressed by both of you.
Rachel calls their performance fun, flirty, and sexy all while Julia seethes on the sidelines.
Natascha is a bad person, she grouses.
What performer purposely throws off another performer?
That was so unfair!
Alls unfair in reality TV love and war, honey.
Even so, Julia decides to confront Natascha after the show, right in front of everyone.
It felt very vindictive and, quite frankly, dirty.
Her statuesque blonde rival is unfazed.
I didnt it mean to hurt you in any way, says Natascha flatly.
However you feel is however you feel… Tonight, right now, its not about you.
(And true.)
All rightie, folks, its that time: Rose ceremony roll-call!
SUCK IT JULIA AND BRANDON!
Hope you enjoyed your short-lived stint as Bachelor Nation villains.
I wish I could go back and choose Sheridan, sighs Julia.
Welp, you cant!
Only two more episodes left, rose lovers.
Who (if anyone) are you rooting for?
Is Natascha evil or just an evil genius?
And do you think Matt got splinters from doing pull-ups from that wooden beam?
Post your thoughts below!
