Look, The Bachelor is over and The Bachelorette is delayed indefinitely.
We may as well watch hot wannabe singers date, right?
Things are grim, rose lovers.
Credit: ABC
And so, we turn to the one person who never lets us down.
LETS RECAP, DAMMIT!
(The story has been the samesince 1937, so stop whining about spoilers.)
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Will a shared love of music lead to a love that is shared forever?
No, no it will not.
But why not pretend for the next six weeks?
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Its not like any of us are going anywhere.
(like stay home.
hey wash your hands.)
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Lets meet the singing singles!
Brandon, 34:This former Marine scout sniper from Nashville has seen some things.
Now, with the help of Mike Fleiss and some TV cameras, shes ready to date again.
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Bekah, 25:Oh Lord, we have a musical theater weirdo.
I dont exist without musical theater, says Bekah.
Gabe, 28:This handsome lad from Houston plays the cello and he can flip a tractor tire!
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Plus, he loves the Lord!
Hes already way too good for this whole situation!
Savannah, 25:This yoga teacher from Nashville is both a free spirit and a wild child.
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In other words, she loves cliches.
Trevor, 29:He has a dog.
Look at that good boy!
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He (Trevor) was also onAmerican Idola few years ago, andKaty Perrydeclared him so hot.
(Of course, theBachelorfranchise doesnt mind taking another shows sloppy seconds.
It practically invented the concept of sloppy seconds!)
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Also, everyone shes ever dated has cheated on her.
Eight is enough (introduction packages), rose lovers time to move on to the action.
so now he is dead to me.
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Savannah struts in next, followed byMel, a 27-year-old waitress/indie rocker from Brooklyn.
(Man, I miss the U.K.Love Island.)
We have so much in common, gushes Jamie.
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This guys weird, notes Jamie.
I like your lips, he murmurs, leaning in slightly.
Thank you, replies Savannah.
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Seeing that hes getting nowhere, Michael leans in even farther and bites his bottom lip.
A lot, he says.
You dont like my lips?
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News flash, Michael: No one seems to like your lips as much as you do.
Later, Savannah vents to the camera.
Its night one, and Ive already had to dodge a kiss, she sighs.
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Its not even night one.
Were in hour one!
We get it, girl.
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Okay, Harrison, can you get in here and lay out the rules, kindly?
Blah blah blah, romantic dates, blah blah blah date cards, blah blah blah rose ceremonies.
There are 12 men and eight women, so four men are going home at the first rose ceremony.
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From there, the men and the women spend some time chatting, separately, about who theyre into.
I feel like such an underachiever!
(Hes probably not joking.
The guy lived in his Subaru.)
Unfortunately for Sheridan, Brandon soon swoops in to cut his time with Julia short.
Brandons flirting style is definitely closer to the douchebag end of the spectrum than Sheridans.
Are you looking at my lips?
he teases Julia as they sip cocktails by the fire.
(What is it with these guys and lips???)
And right after that, he leans in for the kiss.
Even worse, after that, he pulls out his guitar and serenades her.
Rose lovers, I hate that s— onThe Bachelorette, and I hate it here.
Anyhow, all the guys are anxious to make a connection with someone, anyone.
Of course theres a hot tub, rose lovers!
Just because time is of the essence, do you judge a person on how they kiss?
Matt asks Rudi, and she is predictably mortified.
Rudi wants to wait because she has known this dude for like an hour.
Finally, we cut to two people who actuallywantto kiss each other: Ryan and Jamie.
But Jamie is also into Trevor.
Like, hot tub make-out session into him.
Im just, like, so confused, and Ive only been here a few hours!
The next morning, Trevor is feeling fairly confident about getting Jamies rose.
We have a lot in common musically, he explains.
What are the odds, right?
Of course, the bespectacled Tom Everett Scott lookalike chooses Jamie for the date.
Jamie and Ryans mission?
To record a decent version of the John Mayer song Gravity.
Get to work, you two!
Romance is different with musicians, I guess?
Back at Hummingbird House (or whatever), date card number two arrives.
Rudi is, in a word, nonplussed.
F that noise, Rudi.
you could do better.
Us singing together definitely, like, brings up, like, the romance level, says Jamie.
I feel like it definitely sped up my connection with him.
Elsewhere in theListen-verse, Chris the soul singer is vibing with Bri the pop artist.
Rudi, meanwhile, is vibing with the idea of trashing Matt to all of the other women.
When we sat down, he was like, What do you like to do?
Im taking you on the date, Rudi tells Savannah and Bekah.
I sat down, he was like, I want to take you on the date.
Hopefully their date is terrible, Rudi groans.
As the first rose ceremony approaches, many of the guys including Trevor and Sheridan are feeling nervous.
Ive gotta make a move.
But oh my GOD, why does Sheridans move have to be serenading Julia with a half-finished song?
But Julia LOVES it.
She gives Sheridan a big smooch.
That was so special!
There just wasnt much of a spark, admits Matt.
(And Mel has already moved on to Gabe, the handsome soul/folk singer from Houston.)
Im sure this will go REALLY well.
Well never know).
Matt says she must have misinterpreted what he said, but he also apologizes if he worded it poorly.
This may be the most honest thing ever said on aBachelor-related show.
But yeah, Matt is not getting Rudis rose.
Im pretty sure Im screwed, he says.
Who says musicians cant be as trashy asBachelor in Paradisecontestants?
In a last-ditch effort to get Jamies rose, Trevor pulls her aside.
This isnt, like, my last-ditch to try and, like, get a rose, he says.
I just want to hang with you…
I just enjoy spending time with you.
Oooh, hes good.
Another John Mayer tune take that, Ryan!
Do I need to tell you, dear readers, that Jamie LOVES it?
Im just, um, confused, a teary Jamie tells us after her second smooch of the night.
I just dont trust myself at all!
You shouldnt, Jamie!
Youre 21 years old, and you voluntarily signed up for a music-themedBachelorspinoff clearly, your judgment is atrocious.
Look at this lot.
These dudes look like a classic-rock cover band called Nightmare Stepdad.
This f—ing show.
Okay, lets do this.
);Juliagives her rose toSheridan; and Jamie gives her rose toTrevor.
Fortunately, theres one rose left, andRudiwill do whatever the producers tell her.
Huzzah,Ryansurvives for another week.
SorryJack,Josh,Russell,andMichael Todd, but your journey ends here.
Another thing I learned from that website?
We havent met the entire cast yet!
My God, this is going to be unbearable… and I will watch every damn second of it.
Welp, rose lovers, are you riding this pain train with me?
If so, which one of these couples or singers are you rooting for?
Will you miss Michael Todd and his Hot Touch moves?
Is anyone there good enough for Ryan?
And do you think Amazon still has earplugs in stock?
Post your thoughts below!
Listen to Your Heartairs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.
