Nick and Caroline even made up a clapping and booty-popping dance mocking Jesss despair.
On the bright side, their smug crap finally got Jess off the floor and out of the house.
Jess swiped her phone and snuck off to call her ex.
Credit: Patrick McElhenney/Fox
But not the ex youre thinking.
Paul brushed off the gentle ribbing and (am I wrong?)
kind of got a little racist when he called Winston Washington.
And so, with a possible slur and an excruciatingly awkward hug, Paul was gone.
Schmidt was also occupying himself by running interference on Nicks reunion with Caroline.
Not very well, mind you.
Schmidt tagged along because he figured he couldntpossiblyget turned on in the presence of all those geriatrics.
(Theyre like the human version of pleated pants.
Like giant walking raisins!)
This unfounded for at least two reasons: 1.)
This is Schmidt and 2.)
Old-timers actually havelotsof sex.
To wit, Ceces grandma asked off the bat for a hot-blooded man and a hotel room.
That wasnt the only reason she was awesome, though.
After the mild threats, Schmidt let the Yoda-like codgers drop some knowledge on him.
For example, how do you build a relationship?
Viagra, one old man, I use it just to keep from falling out of bed.
On a more serious note, Schmidt wanted to know how to make his relationship with Cece last.
His earnestness was not lost on Ceces grandma, who gave Schmidt her blessing.
Overhearing her grandmas praise, Cece finally admitted she wanted to be with Schmidt for real.
He said he felt the same and then passed out from the pain induced by his commitment hard-on.
That piercing is not long for this world.
Even though she was essentially slapping him in the face, this speech came from a good place.
But it was too late.
Nick had already signed the lease.
Schmidt:…have a broken penis.
Dont pretend you know my pain!
Jess:Im going to end up alone.
Im going to be a single, old lady flashing people on the subway.
Jess:Schmidt, I actually need my phone back.
I need to call Russell to just tell him I left my pajamas there.
Winston:I got kind of drunk last night with Joe and got my ear pierced.
You know, traditionally the male of the species is more glamorous.
Schmidt:Whens it coming out, by the way?
Winston:The earring?
Schmidt:No, no.
The smooth jazz album youre dropping.
Gold hoop, Schmidt:Im going to miss you, Winston.
Im going to miss you when your caravan moves on to the next village.
Gold hoop, Jess:Take it easy, black George Michael.
Peacock feather, Nick:Howd the audition go?
For the Disney pirate movie?
Peacock feather, Nick again:Hey, Mr. T called.
He wants to punch you because that earring looks stupid.
Jess:You cheated on her with me?
Paul:Is that bad?
Jess:Its really bad.
Paul:Its really bad!
[Starts to ugly-cry]
Jess:Why would you do that?
Paul:Now I know what Bill Clinton feels like.
Jess:Yeah, well, now I know how Monica Lewinsky feels!
Paul:Im sorry I made you feel like Monica Lewinsky!
You decided to get back with Caroline?
Well congratulations, you idiot.
[Pulls out a jar holding a clear liquid] These, my dumb friend, are your tears.
You saved them all.
Think back, Nick or whatever they call you in your times.
Who dumped you three times?
Once before your brothers wedding!
This is the poem you wrote about Caroline: Shall I compare thee to a summers day?
No, a summers day is not a bitch.
Look at how far youve come.
Want to be a bartender forever, pal?
You dont want to live like this.
[Double barrels Jack and beer] Hey, whats the different between me and Bill Cosby?
Stop giving yourself high fives.
Put your head under water, you 2-year-old!
Be nicer to Coach or hes going to take off… live with a bunch of other white people.
…I know karate!
[singing] You are special, you are special!
[abruptly stops to look around] Well see each other in the future.
Paul:Jess and I slept together!
Jess:Oh God.
Paul:I want to be completely honest with you.
It happened two days, and we did lots of stuff.
There was talking, and there were hands… and I think we ruined a throw pillow!
Jess:Hes making it sound a lot more erotic than it was.
Only one more episode left this season,Newbies!
Was the return of Paul Gunslinger what you hoped it would be?
Did you love Ceces sassy grandma?
Might Schmidts disorder down there be the seasons biggest cliffhanger?
