Howd I end up doing the honors tonight?
So you got me, babe.
Half the performers were seriously pitchy, dawgs.
(A lone, fabulously manicured finger is pointing at you, Bette Midler!)
No, I wasthere.
Speaking of which, I came not to blog about the show, but the room.
addCredit(Kelly Clarkson and Joe Perry: Lester Cohen/WireImage.com)
Me?
Im sitting on the ground level (Parterre, in Kodak Theatreparlance), towards the back left.
Theres only one morerow behind me, and it only has, like, four seats.
So clearly, I aintgot Brad Garretts clout.
Not that Im bitter, because this is gonnabe the best finale ever!
(Okay, so I was naive.)
To distract from thekiddies I chat with Benji and Mary.
Soooo manyof those in the audience.
Anyway, were 12 minutes to air and still, no judges.
Warm-up guy(Is it Corey?
Given the number of times were up and down all night, it seems asmall request in hindsight.
Paula appears remarkably steady so soon after herHuman Weebleact, and we all breathe a collective sigh of regret.
But now its timefor the pre-show commercial break.
Rightafter this:
Ad Break 1: First sightings of Jordin and Blake.
Theyreholding hands in thatyou-should-win-no-you-totally-deserve-it-no-I-dont-youre-so-much-better-no-you!way that only people who genuinely like each other bother to fake.
Ad Break 2: Simon dashes off (Did he share Blakessupersquishee?
), crowds milling, and tragedy strikes!
Aman barreling his way out of the aisle comes down hard on Benjis foot!His foot!
And hes a professional dancer and everything!
Thats likesomething heinous happening to Roger Federers serving arm!
What to do??
Impretty sure Benji will be fair.
This is Eagle to Base, B-Shorty is secure repeat, B-Shortyis secure.
Will advise when white tuxedo threat is removed, andtransport back to the staging area is a go.
Ad Break 4: Doug E. Fresh!
Didja know Blakes beatboxing wasentirely ad-libbed?
Honest and for true.
Its like wewere 10 again!
Sheesh, fine, 14.
Youre such sticklers.Coolest part of the night!
Riiiiiiight up until Doug E. and Blakemissed their high-five.Awkward.
Whatever it is theyre saying, they bothlook happy.
Could be:
Simon: Congrats on the Oscar, you completely deserved it!J.
Hud: Thanks, ever so, Simon.
Your approval means so much to me.
Or…
Simon: Suck on it, you ungrateful wretch, I totally made you.J.
Hud: Mmm hmm, and thats what makes sticking it to your limey ass so sweet.
I guess well never know.
Ad Break 5: Umm…
I think Benji and Mary are sick oftalking to me.
Its so hard to make friends here!
Ooh, CarrieUnderwoods on stage.
I just knowshewont be pitchy.
Ad Break 6: Oh dear, bongos are being brought onstage.
Theentire audience gets the sinking feeling that the rhythm is gonna getus.
Then something fairly rare happens: Someone gets Simons attention.No, in a good way.
He actually gets up and hugs/air kisses arespectable-looking older dame.
(Tot platonic, Terri!
Your mans trueto you, far as I know!)
Its a moment of genuine sweetness.
As opposedto, say, afake (?)
cryat the end of a treacly ballad that clinches a major singer competition.
As opposed to that.
Ad Break 7: Weirdest moment of the night.
No, weirder thanKelly Clarksons Angry Song.
And that Sanjaya solo.
And the crushingrealization that Bette really was their big get of the night.
Weirderthan all of that.
All of sudden, from stage right appears a kindlyolder gent.
Think Desmond Tutu by way of Oxford.
Ive come all the wayfrom England he tells the crowd, and with that accent, were inclinedto believe.
Then he announces, Simon Cowells [sic], this isyour life!, then hugs Simon.
NoThis Is Your Lifeguests, no Simon photo montage.Nuttin to explain what just went down.
Botched prank?Was the dude about to streak?
And itstheir second night at the show.
Britneys are the new Heathers.
In front ofme are brothers Eric and Terry.
Eric bid for the tickets at a charityevent.
You wanna know how much he paid for the pair?
(Thank God I was there to ask it for you.)
Yeah, Imsoasking him out.
Ad Break 9: Finally, someone in the audience is singing!
Ivebeen told they do that!
Happy birthday, kid.
Youllget how special that Tony Bennett performance was later.
Way later.Anyway, you had your moment.
Joe Perrys back onstage.
Probably towreak serious vengeance for the Sanjaya Humiliation… Maybe its a have-to-be-there-to-see-it thing, but for thefirst time I realize Kellys got a black-girl booty.
(Note: I am ablack girl.
I can say those things.
Its in our contract.)
Anyway,Stage Manager Debbies calling for Blake and Jordin.
Which means itsalmost time crown the princess and pack this vaudeville act up untilnext season.
But if youve got a spare $4,500 to shell out for a pair, call me.
