Kiefer Sutherland stars in a frantic, miserable remake.
There hasn’t been a bad version ofThe Fugitive.
True believers know 1998’s spin-offU.S.
Credit: Richard Foreman/Quibi
(All that plus Robert Downey Jr. before he was safe for children.)
Don’t overlook the short-lived CBS remake from 2000, with Stephen Lang as a memorably nasty baddie.
NowQuibihas filleted the franchise into tasteless morsels of contemporary crap.
The streaming service debuts itsFugitiveon Monday, releasing new “chapters” every weekday until Aug. 18.
Episodes average eight minutes, though you will turn off the premiere at the 1:10 mark.
And this is not an eccentric detail in a quirky Netflix rom-com.
His voice echoes through the empty subway corridor.
The cold darkness whispers back:Michelangelo…
Sutherland plays an LAPD honcho named Clay Bryce.
Every other version ofThe Fugitivesent Richard Kimble running from Philip Gerard while hunting the One-Armed Man.
I’m having fun with the names.
you might’t have fun with anything else.
The mystery of whoactuallycaused the explosion will, presumably, get explored in later installments.
In the four episodes released to critics, Mike has two key antagonists who make him a most-wanted man.
There’s Bryce, who’s just a whole awful lot like Jack Bauer.
He commands the LAPD’s Counter Terrorism Bureau.
Certainly, the terrorism angle comes off like the hottest idea of 2005.
Bryce, like Bauer, is also a widower.
Well, I’ll certainly never forget that awful bit of production design backstory.
The only thing better would be if Bryce wore a baseball cap that said “SAD YET VENGEFUL.”
This is a strange problem throughoutThe Fugitive, and maybe with all Quibi’s attempts at drama.
You’d think the short-burst storytelling would encourage more action.
But these early chapters are talky the way a lot of bad ’90s action movies were talky.
and “Fing millennials!”
and “Their loved ones had their heads blown out of their asses!”
Mike’sothernemesis is the lying liars in the media.
Pritti works for a startup-ish venue called the Daily Score.
She’ll do anything for a scoop.
It’s implied she flirts with one source.
(That’s the hottest idea of 2009, so we’re almost just 10 years too late.)
At one point, Pritti says one of her tweets as she types it.
Out loud, word by word: Nope.
His kind of laconic charm needs room to breathe.
Sutherland should’ve known better.
It looks like it cost a lot.
Sometimes you spend money wisely, and sometimes you blow it out of somewhere.F
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