So yeah, ITS BACK.
We start with a truly creepy montage of all the ways that Chic is not a normal human being.
What getaway, you ask?
Credit: Katie Yu/The CW
Hiram then asks Archie to keep everything he just said between them.
You know, man to man.
(And not man to CHILD.)
So while the core four get ready for their getaway, Cheryl is having a pretty terrible day.
But Moose is still hiding in his relationship with Midge, and its all very sad.
Also, did you hear about Berlantis new movie,Love, Simon?!
Because youre about to, approximately 100 more times.
(She then dodges Toni when the Serpent asks whats bothering her.)
And, just like that, they hear Veronicas bed squeaking.
As Jug and Betty laugh (!!!
Cant they ever just have like a conversation?
No Jug, theyre horny teens!!
But when Betty shuts that down, Veronica suggests a new activity: the hot tub.
And Jughead is IN.
Meanwhile, Archie is doing push-ups before getting into bed because Im just getting my daily workout in.
BEFORE CLIMBING INTO BED?!
Honestly, I thought that was the funniest line in this entire episode.
Arch, just #gettingitin before bed.
And speaking of getting it in sorry now its Varchies turn to listen to a bed squeaking.
(One question about that: That house is huge.
The next morning, Archies daily wood chopping session is interrupted when Andre texts him.
But because Archie has the intelligence of, well, Archie, he doesnt realize that Veronicas watching him.
(Its never been more apparent that these guys are teens than in this episode.)
Archie does take the opportunity to apologize to Jug about the kiss, but he swears hes all good.
When it comes to the four of them, its a miracle theyre so close.
(Well, I guess we can expect them blowing up to happen sometime soon.)
I didnt know these teens had teeth!
Naturally, this sends Jughead into an angry panic where he screams about Hirams tactics to Veronica.
And whats a game of Monopoly without a real-life robbery, right?!
Everyones yelling at everyone!
Veronica calls Betty out for her sexual role playing!
With an ax and a bat in hand, they break into the house.
Archie thankfully doesnt have a go at fight them, and ultimately, its V who saves the day.
When she goes to grab her purse, she hits a silent alarm.
On the way out, the guy steals Vs necklace, and thats when Vigilante Archie shows up.
I thought wed gotten rid of him!)
Aaaaand thats the end of the lake house.
Archie then pays Hiram a visit, where Hiram asks if Archie is upset that Andre killed the kid.
But Archies only response is how he regrets that he wasnt the one who shot the Black Hood.
Never hesitate, Hiram says, before handing Archie Veronicas necklace.
So does that mean Hiram staged this whole thing to test Archie?!
Okay, while all of that was happening, the rest of Riverdale went to seeLove, Simon.
(Have you heard ofLove, Simon?!
Because youre going to get to watch a little bit of it in this episode of RIVERDALE.)
(Josies clearly never seen Sheriff Keller shirtless if shes questioning her mothers judgment.)
Thanks to Simons journey, Cheryl has been inspired to share hers.
Her name was Heather, and she was Cheryls best friend in junior high.
But Tonis here to let Cheryl know that the only thing she is is sensational.
And cue the hand hold and cue the romance.
Im not entirely sure what to say at this point.
This episode was strange.
Some of the lake house stuff was fun…until the robbery.
Then theres all the in-your-faceLove, Simonpromotion.
