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Several thousand solar systems, reads the opening crawl, have declared their intentions to leave the Republic.
On this side of the screen, we only ever get to experience the one.
So credit this second prequel for expansive possibility.The Phantom Menacecontracted its cinematic universe into parliamentary hotel hallways.
Lucasfilm
AndCloneshas sequences that tap the primal Glance-Around-the-Cantina energy.
The ships look cooler, for one thing.
A sailboat for space?
Lucasfilm
Thats the smart kind of silly, a hysterical travesty against logic.
Whereas: So much aboutAttack of the Clonesis the silliest version of smart.
That line comes right before Obi-Wan jumps headfirst through a 700th floor window into a multi-elevation car chase.
You sense a direct response to any Too Slow-niks in the audience:You wanted action?
Heres a fast and furious Jedi!
Then the hot-rodding ends, and were into a goofball counterplot web.
That army, it emerges, grew from the DNA of Jango Fett (Temuera Morrison).
Jango just tried to assassinate Padme: Quite a coincidence!
I suppose you cant blame clones for the murderous actions of his source-material bio-daddy.
You might ask some follow-up questions.
Assume the worst about the Jedi High Council, though.
And what has occurred in the spice industry to disgruntle the miners so?
Hes a political idealist, not a murderer, says that tall-headed toady Ki-Adi-Mundi (Silar Carson).
Right, because when have ideological extremists advocating for a society-splitting secession ever murdered anyone?
You could go crazy pondering the Clone Wars.
There have beenwonderful close readsof the logistical incoherence therein.
And plot nonsense does not have to be a problem!
(Not currently on Disney+, sadly.)
The problem withAttack of the Clonesis a total lack of personality.
This isnt just a stylistic critique: Its the whole narrative.
In this movie, armies are industrialized toward inhumanity: Soldier droids on Geonosis, behavior-modified clones on Kamino.
Theyre identical Nobody militaries.
Were not looking forWar and Peacehere.
One frequent complaint about the prequels was the lack of a Han Solo archetype, all flagrant fun.
InAttack of the Clones, there are generals and then there are faceless soldiers.
And even the people in charge are mass-manufactured.
The Jedi knights, turns out, are an emotionless priestly overclass raised in a society of parentless tutorials.
Anakins big issue, amazingly, is that he really misses his mother a big no-no.
InPhantom Menace, Mace Windu declared prepubescent Anakin too old for training.
This hyper-specialization is a cultural norm.
Padme recalls her first-ever preteen love, Palo: We were both in the legislative youth program.
That phrase stinks of Old Etonian aristocracy.
Here, then, is the final battle ofAttack of the Clones: a showdown between multiple assembly lines.
Theres a dismissive sourness here, though, too morose for satire.
That doesnt immediately mean worse, of course.
But despite a $100-million-plus price tag,Attack of the Clonesis the firstStar Warsthat feels cut-rate.
The big battle scene is all digital ragefuzz firing fleshless energy rocketry.
Of course, nobody needs an artist on the assembly line.
There is one fascinating possibility you cannot overlook here.
Hell strangle his commanders, and slice off his sons hand.
Lucas (and Luke Skywalker) would argue that he was redeemable.
(The argument turns into He vas only following orders!
faster than you think.)
Attack of the Clonesis our first proper introduction to Anakin Skywalker as an adult.
Credit that second bit as a vengeful overreaction from a grieving son.
Seriously, though, is he supposed to be a such a creep?
Certainly, hes a walking How-To-Not for young men with a crush.
Okay, okay, some tongue-tied banter from a guy raised without social niceties.
(Its almost textual that Anakins a never-been-kissed virgin.)
ANAKIN:Why not?
PADME:It makes me feel uncomfortable.
you’re able to explain away this material.
Theres a tangible effect created by the artistic lacking, though.
How would you describe the look on her face?
I read boredom, disbelief, even an eye-roll.
Later, Anakin cries over how the kiss was her fault:
Im in agony.
The closer I get to you, the worse it gets.
The thought of not being with you makes my stomach turn over.
My mouth goes dry.
Im haunted by the kiss you should never have given me.
My heart is beating, hoping that kiss will not become a scar.
You are in my very soul, tormenting me.
Heres Anakin outside Padmes bedroom: She covered the cameras.
I dont think she liked me watching her.
Actually: Is this why Jedi are sworn against relationships?
Are their abilities dangerous, a gateway to Orwellian omniscience or, hell, subtle telepathic suggestions?
Padme asks Anakin, You gonna use one of your Jedi mind tricks on me?
Holy hell, does that ever happen?
Later, Anakin will say, I saw my mother.
She is suffering, Padme.I saw her as clearly as I see you now.
Freud would have a field day and then Anakin jumps onto Amidalas bed with his lightsaber out.
Anakin Skywalker is a very modern grotesque, the obsessive romantic who isnt shy about declaring that democracy blows.
And consider poor Padme Amidala, a woman surrounded by men she cant depend on.
Obi-Wan doesnt trust her, because shes a politician.
Anakins making goo-goo eyes.
The chancellor is too busy for her theories, slash hes secretly a Dark Lord of the Sith.
Can someone find this poor woman just one ally?
Representative Binks, I know I can count on you, she says: Her death warrant, signed.
[Next:Revenge of the Sith]
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