For Halloween this year, Im going as the monster that ruins all of your favorite things.
Lets get started, shall we?
But… is it though?
Credit: Everett Collection; Alan Richardson/Getty Images
The movie is FINE.
Its FUN, even.
But dont confuse something that were all familiar with with something great.
Heres an easy rule of thumb: dont wear something that requires a name tag.
Just eat the four fun-sized bars.
There are so many goddamn fun-sized bars on Halloween and theyre great because you get avarietyof different candies.
Your infantile bigger is always better mentality is why capitalism is corrupting us all.
Gourds
You know the ones Im talking about.
Lumpy pumpkins that look like syphilitic penises.
They should be ashamed of themselves and they should not be on our tables while we eat.
Its a real Eponine-from-Les-Misvibe.
She is a captive trying to escape from servitude and Jack gives zero ss.
Making fun of pumpkin spice
Ooooh, we get it.
You dont ascribe to popular opinions because you’re free to see through capitalist bulls.
Hey, you know whats a popular opinion?
Performatively hating pumpkin spice.
Those are good spices!
They smell and taste like fall.
Youre not impressing anyone, Freshman Philosophy Seminar.
Apple picking
Hey, is grocery shopping not enough of a hassle for you?
Scented candles
Or, as I like to call them, instant headaches.
Baked apples
They creep me out.
Theyre like eating the wrinkled flesh of the elderly.
Apples should be crisp and slightly chilled, no exceptions.
Not even apple pie.
Yeah, apple pie also sucks.
We shouldnt all have to pretend to like apple pie like its the National Anthem.
And baked apples are just apple pie but worse because theres no delicious crust.
10.TheSixth Sense
This movie is not scary; its just gross.
What is a single personality flaw or challenge that a character has to overcome?
