More like The Women Yell All, amirite?
Grudges were rehashed, tears were shed, and oh, yeah Peter chose his final two women.
Is that the warm glow of the Tealight Candle Thunderdome I see before me?
Credit: ABC
You know what that means, rose lovers: This season is almost over!
More immediately, that means its time forThe Bachelor: TheWomen Tell All.
The third lady in this equation, Madison, is nowhere to be seen.
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He begins to cry, worried that Madison wont want to continue this journey with him.
This could be it right now.
Hannah Ann and Victoria stand on the Rose Ceremony Platform, shivering.
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one of them asks.
Lets get this show on the road, says Hannah Ann, her teeth chattering.
(Good Lord, can someone get these women a pashmina?)
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Well, look who just decided to make an entrance.
I was falling in love with him, sighs Madison.
And then last night happened, and now I dont really know.
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Yeah, that really sucks that Fantasy Suite dates happened ONTHE BACHELOR!
Okay, okay, Ill let it go.
I am so grateful for our relationship, says Peter through tears.
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You all have a little piece of my heart…
This right now is absolutely, like, destroying me.
Rose number one goes to Hannah Ann and her carefully applied lip gloss.
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Then comes the hard part.
Madison, says the Bachelor, his voice shaking, will you accept this rose?
Jeeze, try not to soundtooexcited about it, honey.
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Peter is beyond relieved, and he embraces Madison tightly.
(Whose heart do you think we heard beating so fast his or Madis?)
Oh, and before I forget…
Take a moment and get the eff out, toots.
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stash your tears for theTell All.
Heres to… seeing if love can conquer all, says Madison.
Somehow thats not very surprising, seeing as the guy tends to change his mind every few minutes.
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Well just have to wait and see how hes feeling next week.
Part 2: Rehashing the Drama (a.k.a.
Come at me I dont f—ing care!)
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Seriously, are we sure this woman was really on the show?
It could be a finasco tonight.
The telling of all begins with another episode ofEverybody Hates Alayah.
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She also insists that shes just as obnoxious when there are no cameras around.
Harrison calls the room back to order Everybody take a deep breath!
and sends us on a much-needed commercial break.
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Ill let you guess what topic we tackle next.
Correct, its #champagnegate!
I overreacted, admits Kelsey, which earns her a round of applause.
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Im not going to say I was justified in my reaction, but I was justified in my emotions.
Im sorry, but we are all swapping saliva with the same guy, says Tammy.
It is my business.
Man, millennials really love to accuse people of shaming, dont they?
Im not okay with that!
A few people come to Tammys aid when its time to discuss her rivalry with Mykenna.
I thought Mykenna was annoying, because she was so emotional and crying all the time, says Kiarra.
Im a nanny, I know childish behavior, and thats exactly how she was acting.
A tearful Mykenna (is there any other kind?)
tells Tammy that she made her feel horrible and not worthy of being there.
Every time there was a camera around, youd always spread your legs!
bellows Tammy, waving her legs in the air.
Mykenna takes it in stride, naturally.
On a scale of 1 toKelly Kapoor, Id rate that how dare you about a 5.
With Peter, he makes you feel so important and so loved and so special, she says tearfully.
I learned a lot from Peter.
I am an emotional person, she says.
And Im proud of that!
But more importantly, here comesBig Pauliewith an even bigger bottle of champagne for Kelsey.
We interrupt thisWomen Tell Allto bring you an extended promo forThe Bachelor presents: Listen to Your Heart.
Im here to have music bring me together with someone, says a female contestant.
Its just like a real-lifeA Star Is Born, adds a male contestant.
Wait, so it ends in suicide?
Thats pretty grim, even for this franchise.
Also grim: The judges on this show apparently include former Bachelor and Bachelorette couples… and Jason Mraz.
It looks painful, but God help me, Im going to watch every minute.
At last, rose lovers, its time for the main event.
Yeah, I dont care.
As for her reaction during hometowns, I obviously couldve handled that better, says Victoria.
I couldve handled the whole f—ing season better, but you cant go back in time!
Part 5: Pilot Pete Takes the Stage
Oh great, Victoria F. is back.
Well, that was pointless.
Now its time for the other ladies to air their grievances with Peter.
Mykenna chides him for saving her from the two-on-one date only to send her home at the rose ceremony.
(Hes sorry.)
Savannah wants to know if he regrets spending so much time on the women who caused drama.
(He doesnt.)
Peter praises the ladies for being brave enough to look for a husband on TV.
(They LOVE it.)
Seeing that guy jump out of his skin never gets old.
Id like to talk about something thats been going on for the last several seasons, says the host.
Something that is not okay.
That something is toxic online harassment and hate.
If were ever going to fix this problem, we have to acknowledge the problem.
Theres a saying that sunlight is the best disinfectant.
I was getting death threats at my work email, adds Tammy tearfully.
Alexa got hate from viewers about her natural hair.
It sucks and it hurts, she says.
But also I had so much love come in and it meant so much.
Part 8: Next Week, on The Bachelor… One week left, rose lovers!
Before you go, just let me know how you’re feeling about tonight’sTell All-tacular.
Did any of the “ladies” impress you?
Are there any women you wish they’d chosen as the Bachelorette overClare Crawley?
And who do you want to see inParadise?
Post your thoughts below!
