I trust you all had a pleasant holiday weekend.
Have fun guys, he says, glowering.
Unfortunately, by the end of the night, well learn how deep this dudes rage actually runs.
Credit: Adam Larkey/ABC
The party starts at the pool, natch.
Captain Douchebag keeps his obnoxious salutations streak alive, greeting the Bachelorette with, Whats up, little hottie?
(Just to clarify again, guys: Jillian is a person, not an object.
The first team to correctly follow the clues to Jillians secret location wins a prize: Jillian herself!
(Okay, so maybe I can see why they keep confusing her with an inanimate object.)
(We freaked out, admits Michael.
I peed just a little bit in my bathing suit.
I wish I wouldnt have done that.
(Aaaandthis guy is no longer my favorite.
Could NO ONE have proofread the damn card before you went to air?
Eventually all the teams make it to the store, where Jilliansbest friends those diamond necklaces are waiting.
The yellowish-blue tones of the bejeweled decolletage completely clashed with the rocks around her neck.)
To no ones surprise but Brads, Jillian chooses Wes for the dinner date.
And thus we get the inaugural Hes not here for the right reasons accusation of the season.
Inside the vault, Jillian gets right down to business, asking Wes if hes a relationship guy.
He tells her hes had three girlfriends his whole life and maybe a few girls in between.
(Key: Few = Many, many more than a few.)
(Side note: Why is Wes face so red?
Did he forget his SPF at the pool?)
She and Jake hop in her hot purple convertible, with Jillian at the wheel.
Are you a good driver?
Jake asks, a little tentatively.
After a pause, Jillian responds, No!
(c’mon dont burst my bubble, okay?
Ive always wanted to do this, says Jillian, thisCoyote Uglything.
Jake is as gentlemanly as he can be in such a skeevy situation.
You have nice legs, he tells the Bachelorette.
Plus, he informs the viewers at home, I was a good boy.
I didnt peek up her skirt.
Um, gold star for you, then?
Is it in and out?
And she LOVES it.
He totally blew me out of the water, she tells us.
All of a sudden, Martina McBride appears on stage to give the lovebirds a private concert.
And of course, Jake gets the Youre Staying rose.
(Or should I say the Your Staying rose?)
Not so fast, pal!
Weve got quite a few more dates to go before anyone puts a ring on it.
Im just sayin.)
The gang heads to Venice Beach to play basketball shirts vs. skins.
Im rubbish, he says jovially.
The other men, meanwhile, continue to pile on Juan.
His level is more about architecture and art and poetry and intellectual stuff, sniffs Jesse.
(In other words, Dude, what afairy.)
After disappearing over the hill, Jillian returns with… the Harlem Globetrotters!
(Whos lacking testosterone now, fellas?)
He goes on to explain complete with a mockingly effeminate gesture that Juan has the audacity to drink tea.
And she LOVES it.
That was frickin awesome!
Guys like that should get beat up, he seethes to the other bachelors.
(Hey Dave, you wouldnt happen to have any relatives inLaramie, Wyoming,would you?)
Juan, meanwhile, is busy charming Jillian during a one-on-one chat.
And she LOVES it: He knows how to be a gentleman.
Jillian responds with her favorite phrase: Thats crazy!
I forget what were talking about, and in fact I dont even really care.
I just want to make out with him.
But in a surprise move, she gives the rose to Mike for his bold Speedo maneuver.
At long last, the cocktail party is upon us.
Perhaps not realizing that hes using his out-loud voice, Tanner moans, Dude, I love feet.
But no sooner have they clinked glasses than Wes pulls her away.
Its a dick move for sure, and the guys arent having it.
It just seems like he came on the show to promote his music, complains Reid.
If anything, you have to step it up.
All of this tension is a perfect set up for…
THE BALLOT BOX OF BACKSTABBERY!
Given that Wes cant be voted out, things arent looking too good for Juan.
In other words, Jillian, to call those other dudes hairless apes would be an insult to apes.
I, however, am a sophisticated, sensitive stud with the soul of a Latin lover.
Who would you rather marry?
I want Jillian to see me as a versatile person.
NEXT PAGE: Whose dream of a fauxmance with Jillian dies a painful death tonight?
Third runner-up is Julien, followed by Dave while Juan, of course, is the winner.
(Or loser, I guess.)
Just like last season, though, the whole thing is a total tease.
Jillian, Harrison explains, can save Juan by giving him a rose which she does.
And though he was majorly cockblocked by Wes, Robby manages to squeak by with a boutonniere.
Brains of the Operation.
(Cheerio, Simon, ol chap!)
(Shrinkage, you know.)
