Isnt that how it goes?
To paraphrase another movie musical, Ding dong, the wicked dk is dead!
The episode starts with a lot of filler.
Credit: ABC
Kiptyn gets the first date.
(Of course he does.)
She and Kipper take a walk through the park, a place of culture and excitement.
And she does NOT love it.
Would you normally get engaged this quick?
But its about…taking a leap of faith.
Shake it off, Jillian, because youve got some dancin to do.
She and Kip head to a flamenco studio for a lesson from Maria and Ricardo.
Much to Kippers chagrin, the lesson comes with traditional costumes.
It definitely was not the most flattering thing Ive ever worn.
The kicker was the pants, which were…tight.
(Dont flatter yourself, pal.)
They do an awkward but playful dance, and it makes Jillian hopeful.
Frankly, I dont think this guy has any trouble not being perfect, but maybe thats just me.
(Short answer: He does; shereallydoes.)
He mumbles something like, If I have an opinion…youll know.
The Fantasy Suite card arrives, and it seems like Kippers got it in the bag but hold up!
And I LOVE it.
It takes me awhile to open up and tell someone how Im feeling… he fumbles.
Smelling blood, Jillian pounces: How do you feel?
And this is the best he can do: I think were very similar.
Ooooh, how can she not swoon?
It could be love but Im not there yet to say it to her, he confesses.
I like you a lot, he begins.
Ugh, Jilli, just drop it this is too painful to watch.
Is this going to be the first sexless Fantasy Suite episode?
As a consolation prize, Jillian makes out with Reid over their shrimp carcasses.
The sun rises on Sevilla, and now its time to move from the boy to The Man.
Unfortunately, Ed has a lot of catching up to do, having missed the hometown dates.
Hes going to have to bring it on today, says the Bachelorette.
And she LOVES it: I am just in a happy place right now.
Its time to make out all over the city, including in a public fountain.
(Who doesnt enjoy taking a hideous foot fungus home as a souvenir from a European vacation?)
What happened to Jillians plans to catch up with Ed?
Well, at least shes gotten caught up with his tongue.
You are exactly what Im looking for.
(Bonus points: He wants kids in two years, three years.)
And for me, honestly, its just getting more time with you.
Jillian chews her fingernails nervously and contemplates her choices.
Finally, she invites him to hang out for a bit.
Dude, if Jillian doesnt give it up, Ill sleep with you rightnow.
Last and definitely least is Wes, who meets Jillian in beautiful Barcelona.
Not for nothing, but last time I checked people from Mexico were MEXICAN, not SPANISH.
And it only gets worse.
Its clear from the get-go that Wes wants to go home.
Im a little bit worried about Wes lack of affection, says Jillian.
As Jillian tries to steer the conversation toward their relationship beyond the show, he continues to stonewall her.
Would he move to Vancouver for a couple of years?
Um, that would be crazy.
So how would they make it work if she chooses him?
That bird has no foot God, whats wrong with me?
There have been a lot of red flags and I have to bring it up…
I thought it would be good for [my career] as well, Wes explains.
NEXT PAGE: Wes makes a drunken confession
Our beloved Bachelorette is still maddeningly obtuse.
Im not sure why, butthisis when it finally starts to hit our Bachelorette that shes been had.
How do I even say, Wes, youre the one without knowing you feel the same way?
Oh, Jillian, are you really going to make him pound the final nail in your relationship coffin?
Yes, apparently so.
I accidentally said girlfriend instead of ex-girlfriend.
Wow, what a stupid mistake!
I guess you have no choice but to send me home now, right?
For the love of God, woman, what is it going to take?
?Awkward timing alert!
The Fantasy Suite card arrives.
Jillian tells him no thanks, and puts him in a cab.
When she tells Wes, Ill see you soon!
it sounds more like a threat than a goodbye.
And in a way, she is there to bury someone.
Theres not even a need for a pre-rose ceremony chat Jillian knows whos getting the (cowboy) boot.
Dont forget to fill your Valtrex prescription first, hayseed!
(Reid and Kip, to their credit, look totally disgusted.)
What does a little deception matter when the country-fried douche bag is gone?
I think Wes has done a perfectly good job on his own convincing peoplenotto buy his music.
