Sometimes,The BachelorandThe Bacheloretteare all about delayed gratification.
(Lookin at you, To Be Continued end cards!)
Even though no one (meaning Luke) got punched, it was still very satisfying.
Credit: John Fleenor/ABC
And then we got a fullMen Tell Allepisode on top of it!
Occasionally, life in Bachelor Nation is good.
As each of the final men arrive, we get a picture-in-picture shot of theMTAaudience applauding ecstatically.
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(Tyler wins the applause-o-meter.
Miraculously, no one boos Jed.)
I do love all of them in completely different ways, sighs Hannah.
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On the bright side, Luke P. is gone!
I feel like, Fk that guy!
Not an ounce of me misses him, wants him in my life, or will question my decisions.
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Im so glad Luke is finally gone, and I never have to see him again.
Dont you know that problematic bachelors are like Beetlejuice?
I feel you, picture-in-picture woman.
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Shes never told me that she loves me, but I know she loves me.
How nice it must be to live in a post-truth bubble!
Here comes our favorite, mumbles Tyler grimly.
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It is, in a word, astounding.
Luke informs Hannah that he will not leave her alone until he gets a few things off his chest.
When Tyler tries to diffuse the situation by telling Luke to fall back in line, Hannah steps in.
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No, just go!
Thats not how this works!
The guys remain frozen to their spots, but they are loving this.
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Thank you, God, mutters Jed.
she hollers at him.
And its always about My this and My that this is not about your heart!
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Yes, gurl, yes!
This sister is doin it for herself!
Im not being hyperbolic when I say that this is perhaps one of the top five greatest moments inBachelorettehistory.
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But Luke still shows no signs of giving up, so the guys step in.
Jed puts his hand on Lukes arm to keep him from approaching Hannah again.
Lay your hands off me!
Emboldened by the much larger Tyler, Jed escalates things.
Dude, get the fk out, he snaps.
Awww, snap looks like TeamBacheloretteis bringing in the big guns.
Is thatBig PaulieI see darting across the frame in the background?
Harrison joins the scrum, too, but Luke is unfazed.
You know you were leading with your emotions last night, he tells Hannah.
I know those last few minutes, that was not your character.
Yes, you woke slab of man-meat.
Yes, yes he has.
But Hannah remains firm.
Okay, he says at last.
Thats all I needed to hear.
Dude, if that was all you needed to hear this whole thing never would have happened!
Anyhow, take your he went to Jared bling and GTFO, mmmk?
The Luke Show is so fking over!
Not quite yet, Im afraid.
The crowd greets him with a smattering of tepid applause.
You had your say it just went poorly, Harrison begins.
(That question being, Are you a good Christian woman or a slut?)
Luke goes on to say that he acted so crazy that night in Greece because he was completely blindsided.
To be fair, in Lukes world, itisstartling when a woman makes her own decisions.
Thats not something I want in a future wife.
Bitch, then dont go onThe Bachelorette.
Sometimes, in fact, he thinks for a really long time like 30 seconds or more before speaking.
It was frustrating being misunderstood.
Let me say this loud for the people in the back: NO ONE MISUNDERSTOOD YOU, LUKE!
EVERYONE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEANT.
I admit to being prideful and arrogant, he adds.
But I think the narcissist [accusation] was pushing it a little too far.
You think wrong, dude.
Even Harrison cant keep his poker face together in the face of such idiocy.
Obviously if I could go back, he says, I would change a whole lot.
Still, hes thankful for everything that happened, which has helped him learn and grow as a man.
(Note: The preferred term is bald-faced lie.)
I watched this season I didnt like that Luke P. guy, says that Luke P. guy.
News flash: NO ONE likes that Luke P. guy.
Honestly, is there anything sadder than a failed sociopath?
Anyway, Luke complains about how hard it was to have all the guys come at him constantly.
From day one, I felt like I was on a rescue mission for Hannah.
Good GOD, he is intolerable.
This lady knows what Im talking about.
Man, this segment is really dragging on a LONG time.
Oh, hey there Devin!
The crowd has no idea who he is, so Harrison helps them out.
This is Devin, everybody!
And Im sorry, but thats not a man.
This lady in red knows what Im talking about.
Thats enough of listening to Luke talk.
Now lets listen to theotherguys talk about Luke!
I feel like Luke hasnt learned a thing whatsoever.
I think you are a narcissistic, cantankerous, misogynist.
Connor, your turn!
Yeah, thats gonna be a no from the guys.
You always apologize after the fact.
Side note: Do you prefer the term secondary virgin or born again virgin?
Lets break it down.
Or maybe the host just means the dude isnt that bright.
Im just grateful for the experience, notes JPJ.
When I got to the airport and the gas station, Ill hear John Paul Jones!
I appreciate the good vibes.
Could I kindly cut a piece of your hair off?
Anyhoo, brah, see you inParadise.
Right back atcha, sir.
KILL IT WITH FIRE!
The hot seats are over.
Now, Hannah knows that she deserved so much more than what I put up with.
Fantasy Suites arent used for sex, Luke, she says firmly.
You didnt have one, so maybe you dont know.
That said, theyre totally used for sex and thats okay everybody!
Live and let consenting adults live.
I live my life and make mistakes and sin every single day… Thats what grace is for.
These ladies know what Hannahs talking about.
Thats a perfect symbol of, Lets move on, says Harrison.
*John Paul Jones has no hard feelings about being dumped by Hannah.
I would have let myself go if I were you, he drawls.
Dont worry about it.
Then something really weird happens.
Its my fault a lot his but I did it, she says.
Im tired of talking about him…
The Luke P. Show is canceled.
We will not renew this season.
Again, my apologies and God bless the United States of America.
I dont even know where to begin with those previews.
Hannah takes a tumble down a hill wearing high heels and couture!
Mike Johnson showing up in Paradise!
(Im not pleased it can only hurt his shot at Bachelor.)
Demi making out with a woman in Paradise!
John Paul Jones very un-chill crying!
Chris Harrison making an oblique reference to all of theoff-camera drama about Jed!
The two-night (sob) finale is next week, rose lovers can you believe it?
Before you go, let me know what you thought about this hybridMen Tell Allepisode.
Is this really the last well see of Luke?
And who among us hasnt wiped out while wearing heels?
Post your thoughts below, and Ill see you next week.
The Bachelorettefinale airs Monday at Tuesday at 8 p.m. on ABC.
