And were back, rose lovers!
As youll recall, when we left offlast week, Hannah had summoned the Lukes to another room.
I just want to hear you both talk to each other about this, she says.
ABC
Our Bachelorette needs clarity, yall!
Lets listen in…
Yeah, were not really getting anywhere.
The Bachelorette listens for a bit, discouraged and disgusted, and then gets up and walks out.
ABC
Even after shes gone, the Lukes keep bickering… until Harrison arrives with a grim announcement.
This nights over, says the host.
Were going straight to the rose ceremony.
ABC
Cue all the grumbling from the dudes whodidntget a chance to talk to Hannah.
So, who will go home in the #Lukebowl2019 aftermath?
Lets find out right now!
ABC
Sorry… looks like Luke S. has something he needs to say.
Um, Hannah, may I talk to you for a moment?
The Bachelorette heaves a heavy sigh.
ABC
Im really sorry if Ive caused you any pain.
I would just urge you to keep your eyes open for…
I think you know who Im talking about.
ABC
Yeah, she does.
With that, Luke S. hugs the Bachelorette and heads out, much to the guys chagrin.
Good job, Luke P.!
ABC
Okay, TeamBachelorette, time to activate Harrison!
Or did producers just want to give the guys a little shock?
You know what that means, rose lovers.
ABC
Sorry, John Paul Jones, but youre audi, dude.
(UntilParadise, of course.)
The poor guy doesnt even get a proper exit interview.
ABC
(Oh, and Matteos gone, too.)
Luke P. is still here because my heart wants him to be here, says Hannah.
My head doesnt always want him to be here.
ABC
Hannah is so mortified she cant even make eye contact with any of the guys.
Thankfully, Mike breaks the silence with a derisive laugh-cough.
After checking in at their castle, the guys gather at a local pub for beers.
ABC
Hannah arrives and tells everyone its time to reset so they can all have a super fun week.
Shes not kidding: Mike (the future Bachelor) gets the first one-on-one date.
The other guys should be on their toes because Hannahs with me!
announces Mike with a big smile.
Mikes one-on-one date is of the strolling around a quaint foreign town variety.
for some very sour candy called the Black Death.
Yeah, thats sour.
Candy is dandy, but of course, liquor is quicker.
A few sample whiskeys later, and Mike and Hannah are feeling no pain.
That is until someone gives them some haggis and only tells them what it is AFTER they eat it.
I dont eat it.
He proved today that you cant trust anything he says, complains Garrett.
Luke needs to watch his step, adds Jed, because he could cross up the wrong person here.
Not sure what it means to cross someone up, but Im guessing its not good.
Awww, look at how smitten Mike is!
(Or maybe Im just hoping thats the case, so he can be the Bachelor.)
At dinner, Mike plans to share his feelings and emotions with Hannah, and hes nervous.
The last time I was this nervous was December 25th, 2013, he says.
Thats when I told my ex that I loved her.
Thats Hallmark movie-level romance!
),andhe has a good memory.
Excuse me whyare there other patrons at this dining establishment?
These fake dinners are only supposed to take place in locations that are completely empty.
Lets hope theyre not eavesdropping because this conversation is getting real.
It was only through time alone that the Bachelorette became the person Im supposed to be.
Finally, he gets some momentum going.
I can see myself getting down on one knee in a few weeks, if Im ever so lucky.
Whoa there, big fella!
Lets not pull a Luke P., okay?
Is it me, or does Hannah seem a little taken aback, too?
Thank you, she giggles.
Still, she gives him a kiss andthe date rose.
One step closer to Bachelor, baby!
Its group date time!
Charlie and his bearded buddy are here to put the guys through some Celtic Highland Games.
Its not just about your strength and physical ability, he trills in his brogue.
Its also about ax throwing, which none of the guys can do with any degree of skill.
(Hannah, of course, hits the target on her first try.)
Other Highland Games include carrying buckets of milk and throwing each other to the ground.
No, no, no, thats not a good idea!
I am concerned deeply with what you intend to tell Hannah tomorrow, Mike says.
Mikes response is perfect.
Yes, yes it is.
This monster is cagey and elusive to all but those with the keenest eyes.
Enough with the literary interludes!
and preparing to battle it out for Hannahs heart at the Highland Games.
Man, that black box is getting a workout.
I saw your nuts, Connor!
cries a traumatized Dylan.
(As for that little girl in the front row, I hope her parents believe in therapy.)
He ends up winning the Highland Games, and a square foot of land from the Scottish tourism board.
Right now, though, Hannah only has eyes for Lord Jed.
She tries to mount him during their alone time, but her dress doesnt allow it.
I like being with you, she says, as Jed gropes her butt.
You may want to come back another time, buddy.
He watched for 10 or 15 seconds (perv!)
and then skulked back down the stairs.
Me and Hannah have not kissed yet.
Man, what do they put in the water in Inverness?
Now the Bachelorette and Peter are practically rutting on the pool table!
Then Tyler and Hannah go make out on a nearby bed.
But its Lord Jed who wins the date rose.
And hey, it looks like our Bachelorette may have even learned a little something, too!
The second one,c’mon!
Well, you certainly couldnt ask for a more picturesque location for a come-to-Jesus talk.
Dude, you know there is.
I could have handled that whole sideline situation a whole lot better, he begins.
Thats the only reason the other guys dont like him, Luke continues, but Hannah isnt buying it.
It just doesnt make sense why every single guy had something to say about you, she presses.
Lukes all,Oh, dont worry about it.
So, he accuses Dylan and Devin of blowing his actions way out of proportion.
I hate sayin it, he drawls, but its the truth.
Obviously, it isnt and now Hannahs starting to get really annoyed.
Dont say things like, People love me.
That makes me so mad!
Do you understand how that sounds?
He doesnt, honey, but we do.
And so does Devin.
Still, Hannah keeps at it.
Did I answer that well enough?
The Bachelorette excuses herself and walks off to consult with producers.
Theres no feelings behind the things that hes saying, she complains.
Can you not express your emotions?
Of course not, woman!
Hes basically a sociopath.
Can somebody talk to him about what it means when I say, How do youfeel?
(To the producers credit, they refuse.
it’s crucial that you talk to him about that!)
By this time, Hannahs spirit is completely broken.
Lets go look at this castle, she sighs.
Luke keeps asking if he can explain anything else to her, and she cant contain her frustration.
I just want to know, do you like macaroni and cheese or spaghetti more?
(Spaghetti, obviously.)
For Gods sake woman, why dont you just send him home???
I really like Luke P., says Hannah.
And I hate admitting it…
The man she marries, Hannah continues, will own up to his flaws.
Again, like the true gaslighter that he is, Luke just starts parroting back Hannahs concerns.
Bottom line, Ive been trying to be too perfect, he says sheepishly.
Im really mad at myself, he concludes.
Im just going to be me.
Oh, if only he had left it at that.
Oh, and he wants Hannah to know that he loves every single thing about her.
Again, Hannah, I must ask: WHY DONT YOU JUST SEND HIM HOME?
Why is he still here, Hannah?Why??
?He is not even that hot!
In case you havent guessed, we are not getting a rose ceremony tonight.
But maybe well get something better?
After today, I dont feel good, Hannah tells Luke.
Honestly, today was the worst a day has gone for me.
Thats when she drops the bomb.
Like, I cant give you this rose.
SMASH CUT to Next week onThe Bachelorette.
Oh my God, are we free?
Are we free of Luke P. at last, rose lovers?
Also of note in the promo: Hannah sobbing in Chris Harrisons arms (#fanfic).
Before you go, rose lovers, hey help me out here: What is Hannah thinking?
Do you think well see Luke S. inParadise?
And did that Irish book shop owner really just make a joke about Mikes penis size?
Post your thoughts below!
Ill see you back here next Monday.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.
