After a five-week journey, single hunk/hair product connoisseur Alex Michael had two potential wives: Trista and Amanda.
Will she pass muster with the Michael family?
Your mother is correct, sir!
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Pops jumps right in, rhetorical guns blazing.
Um, is that a question?
Either way, Trista tells Peter that shes not treating Alex like a prize to be won.
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Holy crap, rose lovers, are you hearing this?
Was Trista the first and lastBachelorcontestant to have an ounce of common sense?
As the kids say, we stan a level-headed queen!
(Yes, I know the kids dont say stuff like that.)
Peter and Mary Jay absolutely LOVE it.
Thats the perfect answer, says mom.
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Later, dad tells us that Trista is pretty self-possessed and smart… for a Miami Heat dancer.
Once Trista leaves for the night, though, Alexs family gets their knives out.
They make fun of Trista for being a cheerleader which, of course, she isnt.
(But also, why didnt Alex them about Tristas other job as a pediatric physical therapist?)
They also make fun of Trista for saying shes been hurt a lot in relationships.
Give me a break, scoffs Jen.
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Move on, babe.
Mom, meanwhile, states the obvious: I dont think youre ready to get engaged.
Welp, Amanda youre up!
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Im glad to see that she covered up the girls for her visit.
The Michaels are a proper Catholic family, and decolletage is frowned upon.
(Once again, correct.)
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Dont do anything rash!
Moms what would we do without them?
Alexs sisters say they liked Amanda better than Trista, because her personality is more like theirs.
Still, they dont want their brother to propose just yet.
Shes pretty much on the baby train, says Mary Kelly.
But the Bachelor says hes a little bit more wrapped up with Trista.
And what a chat it is!
And Alex LOVES it.
Things are goingsowell, Trista might even stay the night.
Of course it is, honey.
The next night, its Amandas turn for a Last Chance Date.
Im falling in love with you, says Amanda.
I will support whatever decision you make, but I would just like to be in your future.
So who will Alex choose?
Thats right in season 1, there was no Neil Lane with his suitcase of baubles.
But dont worry, the rings are still large and gaudy.
(Why are they sitting in a bedroom?
Could production really not find any other place to set up in this mansion?)
Sometimes what you want and what you need are different, says Alex.
Now remember, adds the host, both women are likely to be expecting a proposal.
The women arent theonlyones expecting a proposal.
So has all gone according to plan?
), Trista goes first.
You have made my heart race from the first day, Alex tells her.
Trista, sphinx-like as usual, smiles politely and hugs Alex goodbye.
Good luck, she whispers, as Harrison leads her to a waiting limousine.
Damn right it will, Queen!
Now its Amandas turn.
The Bachelor is bowled over when he sees her.
She looked incredible in this beautiful blue dress, he gushes.
She had this beautiful smile, and I knew without a doubt, this is right.
Great, so youre gonna propose, right?
OMG, rose lovers, hes getting out the ring…
I find myself falling in love with you, says Alex, pulling out the ring.
I got this ring for you.
Im gonna hold on to it.
Let me explain why.
Look, Alexs reasoning is sound.
But if we wanted sound reasoning, wed watchliterally anything elseon television.
And yes, I know this was ultimately for the best.
Still, I wanted an ill-fated engagement, dammit!
The good news is, rose lovers, Alexs loss was Americas gain.
Perhaps if the first season ofThe Bacheloretteis ever back on Tubi, Ill recap it here.
Until then, thank you for joining me on this “journey,” fellow citizens of Bachelor Nation.
