But enough aboutthe fence jump, right rose lovers?
But first: Search party!
We pick up with TeamBachelordriving around the Algarvian (is that a word?)
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darkness looking for their leading man, to no avail.
Fortunately, TeamBachelordoes not have to bring in the law.
Thats gotta be a rhetorical question, right?
The Bachelor Season 23 finale part 1Colton Underwoodscreengrab.ABC
he snaps, loud enough that we can hear it even though hes not wearing a mic.
No, Im not okay.
No phone, no lights, no motorcar where does the Bachelor think hes going to go?
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All he knows is hes done.
Like, donedone, with the whole thing, as Harrison puts it.
Ive been through enough of knowing that Im not enough for a long time, he says sadly.
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And every reminder of that just makes me stronger, so Im okay with it.
Not tonight, sir.
Colton gets in the minivan and lets production drive him back to the hotel.
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I just needed time to be alone, says Colton of his fence jump.
Every time something good happens for me or to me, its always followed by something bad.
The confines of this reality TV dating show are what have endangered the relationship, Colton continues.
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Still, Colton is not trying to hear that.
I think she loves me.
Now, says our Bachelor, hes ready to fight for somebody that I love.
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Welp, all rightie then!
But first, youve gotta go dump Tayshia and Hannah G.!
Tayshia, at least, got a Fantasy Suite date such as it was.
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Lets listen in as the Bachelor drives a metaphorical stake through Tayshias heart.
As soon as he says, Youre incredible, Tayshia knows whats coming.
My hearts with somebody else, the Bachelor continues.
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Oh, honey, youre still wearing a mic what does it matter?
But the producers oblige and let the duo go inside Tayshias room.
There, Colton is the one who starts sobbing first, and pretty soon theyre both weeping openly.
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I dont want to go through this, gasps Tayshia through her tears.
I dont want to.
She recovers long enough to give Colton a goodbye hug and a gracious thank you.
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Youre a good guy, she tells him.
And thats what I want.
After a few false starts, Tayshia and Colton finally part ways.
No time to pack, Tayshia!
Just grab your shoes and your purse and get into the Reject SUV.
The interns will send your stuff back to America for you.
What was going through your mind watching it for the first time?
Not surprisingly, Tayshia says watching her breakup on the jumbotron was difficult and emotional.
She knew right away that something was wrong.
He was shaking, she says.
Right then and there, I knew, this is not good.
Hearing him say that he was in love with Cassie was, of course, painful.
I dont think anybody really wants to hear that, she says.
When he said that, I knew how hard that was for him to admit that.
And I kind of at that moment had to remove myself from the situation and be there for him.
Eventually, Harrison brings Colton out so Tayshia can get her live TV closure.
Im nervous, she tells the Bachelor.
I guess I just dont really understand what was missing.
What can Colton say?
Youve taught me a lot, she tells Colton.
I just wish the best for you, and I hope youre happy.
And with that, we head back to Portugal for break-up number two.
Poor Hannah G. No one has even told her that shes not getting a Fantasy Suite date.
Im just looking forward to spending time with Colton overnight, says Hannah G. happily.
Or maybe she can do it right now because knock knock knock!
theres a hunky Bachelor at the door!
I wanted to talk to you about something, begins Colton grimly.
Sorry, quick question: Theres only one glass on the table next to that champagne.
Was Hannah planning to chug that bottle alone tonight before Colton surprised her?
Apologies, I know thats not really the point right now.
Its a pretty good speech.
I dont feel like this is happening right now.
Hannah G. gestures toward the journal on the table.
When Colton tries to soften the blow with some kind words youve made me better she scoffs.
Thats what I do.
I make everybody better, and then they dont want to stick around.
Hannah G. feels angry and embarrassed, and did I mention angry?
Im surprised that youre gonna, like, do this to me, she fumes through her tears.
Colton is contrite and tearful, too.
This is the last thing I wanted to do to you, he moans.
I dont know if Im making the right decision.
Ugh, buddy, come on!
Dont waffle now Hannah G. doesnt need any additional false hope.
You dont deserve to be anybodys back-up plan, says Colton at last.
You dont deserve to be second.
What ifthesetwo fell in love?
Now that is a twist I could get behind!
I dont know if Im giving up a for-sure thing for something thats impossible, says Colton desperately.
Still, though, hes willing to risk it.
Thats literally how much I love Cassie, sniffles Colton.
Im willing to walk away from somebody that great.
Go with God, young man!
(Or Mike Fleiss.)
I want to be like, I dont have one.
Okay, Colton get out here and face the music!
I loved you, and I thought you felt the exact same way, Hannah tells him.
If we would have had more time, do you think this would have been a different situation?
And watching the show and hearing Colton tell Cassie that he thought about her during dates with other women?
That sucked, Hannah tells him, her voice quavering.
Still, much like Kelly Clarkson and Britney Spears, Hannah says shes stronger than yesterday.
I can handle way more than I ever, ever imagined that I could, she says.
I want somebody to jump a fence for me.
Hear that, producers?
Better start building a fence in Paradise.
And yes, Colton, your hair has broken Twitter and not in a good way.
Whatever they did to it during the commercial break didnt really help.
As for this panel of former Bachelors and Bachelorette contestants?
The next morning, Colton packs his small duffle bag (!)
as he prepares for the last leg of his journey: Operation Make Cassie Love Me.
I dont want to leave here without her, he says.
Wait, so Cassie is still in Portugal?
So where did that SUV take her in last weeks episode?
Just, like, another hotel???
There she is now, packing up her sensibly-sized suitcases.
(Love that bookshelf wallpaper, by the way.)
Im gonna miss Colton, she says.
Shes ready to go home and move on with her life.
Part 2 of The Bachelor finale airs Tuesday at 8 p.m. on ABC.
