KATYA:Now that youre a published author, do you wake up differently?
Whats different about your life?
KATYA:Its a drop in the bucket.
Credit: Courtesy of Plume
TRIXIE:But its not telling us anything we dont already know.
KATYA:Right, right, right, right.
KATYA:I have to learn how to read!
Courtesy of Plume
You know obviously I know how to dance.
I know how to do several dances.
I know how to slide, I know how to twist, I know how to boogie.
TRIXIE:You also do coding on the side.
KATYA:Absolutely: one, zero, zero.
I know how to do calligraphy.
I didnt want it to stress you out.
TRIXIE:Yeah, and I was just trying to get you to stop squatting in my garage.
I thought we were going to write some sort of lease agreement.
KATYA:But, listen!
I mean, like Ive maintained before, we dont squat enough in the west you know?
We have terrible hip flexion and joint mobility.
KATYA:Yes,andwe went into the boudoir.
Actually, my favorite session was in the boudoir.
It really is a Barbie dream house.
TRIXIE:I wrote a chapter on interior design if you want to know more.
KATYA:Yeah, and theres not a lot of effort.
KATYA:At least three weeks!
KATYA:Three weeks and then its like we get a two-hour window and anything else is a mess.
So certain things that are huge problems to us, other people be like Get fin real, bitch.
TRIXIE:Before the session was done!?
KATYA:Its a read, but…
TRIXIE:Oh, its a complete read.
Anyway, about that night we were writing together.
Wasnt I about to go on tour the next day?
KATYA:It was strange.
We didnt have a lot of time to do it together.
And I just had to hope that I would hear about it somehow while I was on the road.
TRIXIE:Is that true?
Sometimes I forget and respond, Oh, totally.
TRIXIE:Oh, for sure.
KATYA:Pulitzers have been mailed.
Were not trying to make ourselves look like good people.
KATYA:No, no, no, no!
TRIXIE:It would look like stacks of bark.
KATYA:Maybe thats for the next volume.
TRIXIE:I like our sources.
I would say, there is definitely no, um,bibliographyin the back citing the sources weve chosen.
Because itll say, Should I get bangs?
Now, dont fact check that!
Im going to tell you right off the bat, dont fact check any of the quotes.
KATYA:She’s never gonna read the book so youre in the clear.
KATYA:Yeah, and a hard thirties.
TRIXIE:Thats why people are always like, Why do you interrupt her?
Do you know what this would be if I didnt?
Do you know what it would be if I didnt reach in and shake this person?
I hate how she interrupts her.
Ok, great, let’s see a PowerPoint, then.
Let’s let her go.
I’m trying to help us!
KATYA:Let her continue one sentence!
Its reduced to its purest, most potent essence.
Women now are supposed to match something that doesnt exist.
Its an ideal that was never in place in the first place.
Cut your own fing bangs and put on lipstick and do your thing."
Anyway, when we were working on it, I remember the sun was coming in my windows.
KATYA:It was a golden hour.
TRIXIE:The golden hour.
She was sitting on my couch.
They were building a condo by me for a full year, just all day.
And its Hollywood so… a naked woman in a wig pushing a shopping cart screaming.
TRIXIE:I’d been drinking the night before so I was puking.
I asked her to hold my hair and she said, Why dont you just take it off?
TRIXIE:I think I moved into my house…
I dont remember when, but it wasnt that long after, because it was still not very furnished.
It was really good for writing because my house was literally like a table and a couch.
KATYA:I do remember her toilet was dirty though…
I thought that was interesting because I had just s in it.
KATYA:Yes, the Upper Decker.
TRIXIE:Mhmm… Oh yeah, and I bet we got Postmates!
I bet we got Veggie Grill or something.
We both are kind of… healthy.
KATYA:Yeah, I was probably just sucking on grapes.
TRIXIE:Taking the skin off ‘em with your teeth and spitting them back out.
KATYA:I was just gnawing on vegetables because I was really trying.
I was trying to work through a hemorrhoid situation at the time, which has since resolved…
Listen, I dont know if anyone at home has had hemorrhoids but they are rotten.
TRIXIE:I get more hemorrhoids in my ass than I do d—.
KATYA:Screaming bloody murder.
TRIXIE:I said, Im gay, can I use my ahole?
My body said, No!
But thank you for asking!
TRIXIE:But thats for our next book.Trixie and Katyas Guide to Modern Womanhood and the Chamber of Secrets.
KATYA:Body horror.
