Shes busy covering the SXSW Festival and will return shortly. Kim opened tonights episode with an especially guttural SWEEEEEETIEEEEE! She expended way more energy fuming about lazy Sweetie than actually hauling her own delicates. Credit: Quantrell Colbert/Bravo For instance: Sweetie! It does not take 45 minutes to get to the Master to drop off the jewelry box. Or something Papa Zolciak said: Thats your girl, not mine. Later, Kim confessed her doubts about Sweetie to Niki, yet another one of her employees....

This year, Im thankful for Kims array of colorful and see-through jumpers worn at family functions. Im thankful that Dr. Tiy-e is delusional enough to believe hes a licensed doctor. Baby, dont realize your mom is an entertainment lawyer? Stop justlyingtherecryingall day, and get out and do something! Until then, youre useless to mom. If theres one thing Mama Kim (whosexpecting!) knows, its bling. The truth is, you have to lead by example, especially when you have daughters, she said....

While Kenya and Marlo become BFFs, Nene fight to maintain her HBIC status. Cynthia hosts a surprise party for Peter and Field Day for adults. Either seems plausible at this point. It has a little tank on the back and everything. As a woman I would like to say: a. Get outta here with that, Nene. Kenya gets Nene by herself and tries to discuss what happened at her party....

Thats when the scene flashes back toSIX YEARS AGO,during one of Kim and NeNes legendary early-seasons smackdowns. Perhaps others had already made this connection I had not. Now, that game show host is our president. Credit: Bravo Well, hes technically still on the phone. Why did they all put on makeup?! They were just on camera without it?? The wonders will never cease. I dont get it. Dudes arent into red-bottoms, Marlo, theyre into…well,bottoms....

What is happening with Kenya Daly, nee Moore? Im not here to see my Housewives be kind, generous actual humans! But perhaps broadcasting their philanthropic work isnt theworstthing. Credit: Bravo Some of them went about helping by hosting events to raise money. Some of them went about helping by providing food and supplies to families in need. Well let me ask you this: How long has NeNe been married? Tyrone asks…weirdly....

The one thing I wasnotprepared for: Mbele. Its really impossible to say. But themostconfounding part of the Mbele experience was that weve seen this exact plotline before. Credit: Bravo A zebra cannot change its stripes, and a Housewife cannot change her ways only her wigs. I never thought Id says this, but…that psychic was not very professional! and Kim is back! Sheree and Cynthia, on the other hand, are more focused on their love lives....

while not technically being…wives. But in season 10, these women are going broke for matrimony, especially Porsha. That leads to their first ever argument, which Porsha continues to categorize as being just about a toothbrush. Credit: Alex Martinez/Bravo Well, I should rephrase:Porshais a weirdo. Dennis is just sort of…silent? When Porsha asked how they knew each other, he said he didnt know. Do you remember that time you married a manipulative, secretive creep by mistake?...

I dearly wish Kevin Lee could have been the new Houseperson instead of Brandi or Dana. Then again, Id take a rumpled brown paper bag with eyeballs painted on it in lieu of Dana. When Camille Grammer is calling you desperate… Dana, you in danger girl. Credit: Bravo Overall, this episode was jam-packed from the get-go. At most, it was a lunge at the jugular. At the very least, a thinly veiled jab at Brandis parenting skills....

I know we dont see everything. Im sorry,this woman?! BEST GLOW UP No, its not Kyle pinning her self-loathing bangs back into a bumpit. Bravo No, its not Dorits Medusa-chic updo. The ability to zoom in on any configuration of faces at any given moment! The near inability to successfully interrupt on Zoom without stuttering to an awkward halt…it all justworks! Well, I think she may have won me over forever....

I dont know how I do it! Now, yo dont quote me on this, but…Dorit feels like right. How Dorit is always late? Credit: BRAVO And do you know that psychic is the reason Lisa Rinna is selling forest green dusters on QVC today? Maybe the reunion should just be a three-parter about how easy everything is when youre rich. Truly, the Vanderpump-Todds are having a time of it. Needless to say, its a good time to get out of town....

Stars: theyre just like us! I have nothing but respect forthatmove out of the women ofRHOBH. And yet, as Lisa Rinna saysand Im paraphrasing herealcohol is the lube of truth. Credit: Bravo Well…that and the vodka. Lisa Rinna is always talking about Harry Hamlin! Kyle is, as of justyesterday, always running from a bee! Teddi walks like she constantly just dismounted a horse! Which was…uncomfortable! Which, I mean,in general, is gonna be a yikes from me, dawg....

Rinnas up Erikas ass; Erikas up Dorits ass; Dorits up Lisa Vanderpumps ass! Desiring consistency in friendships can you imagine?! Shall I recap the recap before we get into this episode? Credit: Nicole Weingart/Bravo Shall I do it to the tune of Jingle Bells? Okay: Erika wrote a bookShes very proud to sayRinnas super chill nowLaughing all the way hey! Deilah Belle, Deilah BelleKyle bought a houseOh what fun, its not to watchA dog-torture documentary HEY!...

And thats because baby girl was druuuuuunk the night before. Plus, Erika doesnt really care about Teddi, but she does, it seems, care about Kyle. Yalldid this store not close all its doors a few years ago??? Credit: Nicole Weingart/Bravo And couldnt our girl just be describing herself with that line? I both deplore Camilles viciousness and stand in awe of it. These are not waters in which you want to tread, Camille....