Oh, what a laid-back little Christmas-season finale this almost was onThe Real Housewives of New York City. But before we get to all that, there’s the other 55 minutes of this finale! / They didn’t grow on trees!" Heidi Gutman/Bravo At that point, Luann gestures toward her breasts which the song tells us did not grow on trees. Every moment of this recording session is a blessing. It’s not a super-good time....

Excluding, of course, the Moroccan room nothing ever happens in the Moroccan room. (Except the Moroccan room never the Moroccan room.) But every memory in the Berkshires isn’t pure nightmare fodder. Because truly, only possession could explain most of the thing that have gone down in the Berkshires. I was wrong, of course. I simply did not see Luann’s possession coming. And possessed by the spirit of her own season 11 self?...

But thats in the first five minutes. One little flashback to the water-damaged curtains and she wasdone. Luann says thatgetting arrestedmakes you very popular. Credit: Heidi Gutman/Bravo And Luann cries back, Why do you have so much anger Dorindaaaaaaa? The conversation quickly moves to I kid you not who started it. Its a classic chicken-or-the-egg situation, really. There are cries of we were like family! and a 13-year friendship! and you broke my heart!...

Its not really Washington, D.C.; its not Baltimore; its not even really a city. My allegiances onRHOPfly around like one of Karens more free-spirited wigs on a gusty autumn day. One final scream rings out: Monique, STOP! The chaotic scene scrambles into static… And its onto cherry blossom season in idyllic Potomac, Md.! Thats right: The Grand Dame is back in the great census-designated place of Potomac! Andit seems, that difference is a perfume made for 50-year-olds....

I hope actual elephants get royalties for every time aReal Housewivesfranchise uses them to justify one of their dinner-table-fights. Claaaaassic elephant in the room! Does Candiace…know how libraries work? Non-ownership is kind of…the whole point of libraries? VERDICT: Extreme Call me a bad server because I always spill the tea vibes. WENDY: The professor has arrived, and class is officially in session.Its simple, its cute… Maybe its that the tagline is directed out toward others, instead of in toward Monique....

Although, I shouldprobablyhedge my expectations on getting a Luann-level freak out from Ashley. After all, it isalwaysabout Michael with her. Shes already far too accustomed to covering his ass. But I dont care if Gizelle was bored because my own entertainment seems to actuallyhingeon Gizelle being bored. To which Wendy responds: Was that too much? I really felt it in my spirit though. I truly do not understand how these women fall for Gizelles nonsense....

Some might even venture to say she is doing, uh…entirely too much. And it seems that Dr. Wendy does not like to be mistaken. We can only wait and see. Yes, even through TChalla the bird, who absolutely owns this episode. Karen begins gagging and flees the scene; Gizelle says in her testimonial: TChile, no! TChile, never again! Thank God Gizelle is a good-looking woman, causegod damn, she cant dress at all!...

There isoneunexpected thing in this episode, however. As sensitive as you needed me to be! The woman is a masterclass in avoiding accountability for her actions, or even her opinions. Bravo Including that Candiace said Gizelle is shady and referred to her as the Gizelle monster. The closest she gets to an actual apology is when she sits down with Ashley at a coffee shop. Perhaps we have a futureAndy Cohenon our hands?...

So much happened during this hour ofThe Real Housewives of Potomac. Michaels not hungry for appetizers, so he must reeeeally be beating himself up about what he did. And whatdidMichael do, you might be asking. One of these women then asked Michael (oh yes,sheaskedhim!) To which I say:girl, what? I despise this man. Can someone get me another beer? Then he waves around his beer bottle to someone off-camera because again:priorities....

Finally, in episode 3, were being properly introduced to the two newestReal Housewives of Potomaccastmates. Theres Dr. Wendy, of course, and the introduction to her lovely family and many degrees. Truly, noHousewivesfranchise brings the literal LOLs quite likePotomac. But now that Ive met Wendy, Im intrigued. Its like the opposite of a Resting Bitch Face…a Living Whew Face, if you will. If thats not a thesis statement for the entireReal Housewivesfranchise, I do not know what is....

It was utterly surreal. Still, nothing could have surprised me more than seeing a Real Housewife do something never-before-seen inReal Housewiveshistory. For these most generous producers, and more…we give our heartfelt thanks. So, lets get into it: something isupwith this relationship between Ashley and Michael. But by the next morning, Moniques annoyance has turned to indignation over beingdisrespected at her own fire pit. Monique, however, is not assuaged. Havent we been down this road before?...

It is all top to bottom charming as hell. But I think that Karen seems pretty humble about it all and like shes just enjoying being home. Thats powerful, she says, and indeed it was powerful to hear. Then shecasuallyconfirms what The Blogs have been reporting: she owes $90,000 in taxes. Youre used to orchestrating and controlling and dominating, he tells her. Pastor Chad tells Monique she needs to ask herself why criticism is such a trigger....

You gonna drag me? over and over while Monique flips Candaices hair across the table and says, Do you want me to? Do you want me to? Bravo Until finally, Monique decides Candiacemustwant her to because she keeps asking if shes gonna… So Monique does she literally grabs hold of Candiaces hair anddrags heracross the table. over and over again. Bravo What is that, wine on my face? Monique isextremely calmfollowing this altercation, and also for the rest of the episode its pretty wild....